I know you. We have a lot in common. You have been doing some reading and now you are pretty sure everything in the grocery store and your kitchen cupboards is going to kill you.
Before Your Healthy Eating Internet Education:
I eat pretty healthy. Check it out: whole grain crackers, veggie patties, prawns, broccoli. I am actually pretty into clean eating.
After Your Healthy Eating Internet Education:
Those crackers – gluten, baby. Gluten is toxic to your intestinal health, I read it on a forum. They should call those crackers Leaky Gut Crisps, that would be more accurate. That veggie burger in the freezer? GMO soy. Basically that’s a Monsanto patty. Did you know soybean oil is an insecticide? And those prawns are fish farmed in Vietnamese sewage pools. I didn’t know about the sewage fish farming when I bought them, though, really I didn’t!
The broccoli, though..that’s ok. I can eat that. Eating that doesn’t make me a terrible person, unless….oh, shit! That broccoli isn’t organic. That means it’s covered with endocrine disrupting pesticides that will make my son sprout breasts. As if adolescence isn’t awkward enough.
And who pre-cut this broccoli like that? I bet it was some poor Mexican person not making a living wage and being treated as a cog in an industrial broccoli cutting warehouse. So I’m basically supporting slavery if I eat this pre-cut broccoli. Oh my God, it’s in a plastic bag too. Which means I am personally responsible for the death of countless endangered seabirds right now.
I hate myself.
Well, shit.
All you want to do is eat a little healthier. Really. Maybe get some of that Activa probiotic yogurt or something. So you look around and start researching what “healthier” means.
That really skinny old scientist dude says anything from an animal will give you cancer. But a super-ripped 60 year old with a best-selling diet book says eat more butter with your crispy T-Bone and you’ll be just fine as long as you stay away from grains. Great abs beat out the PhD so you end up hanging out on a forum where everyone eats green apples and red meat and talks about how functional and badass parkour is.
You learn that basically, if you ignore civilization and Mark Knopfler music, the last 10,000 years of human development has been one big societal and nutritional cock-up and wheat is entirely to blame. What we all need to do is eat like cave-people.
You’re hardcore now, so you go way past way cave-person. You go all the way to The Inuit Diet™.
Some people say it’s a little fringe, but you are committed to live a healthy lifestyle. “Okay,” you say, “let’s do this shit,” as you fry your caribou steak and seal liver in rendered whale blubber. You lose some weight which is good, but it costs $147.99 a pound for frozen seal liver out of the back of an unmarked van at the Canadian border.
Even though The Inuit Diet™ is high in Vitamin D, you learn that every disease anywhere can be traced to a lack of Vitamin D (you read that on a blog post) so you start to supplement. 5000 IU of Vitamin D before sitting in the tanning booth for an hour does wonders for your hair luster.
Maxing out your credit line on seal liver forces you to continue your internet education in healthy eating. As you read more you begin to understand that grains are fine but before you eat them you must prepare them in the traditional way: by long soaking in the light of a new moon with a mix of mineral water and the strained lacto-fermented tears of a virgin.
You discover that if the women in your family haven’t been eating a lot of mussels for at least the last four generations, you are pretty much guaranteed a $6000 orthodontia bill for your snaggle-tooth kid. That’s if you are able to conceive at all, which you probably won’t, because you ate margarine at least twice when you were 17.
Healthy eating is getting pretty complicated and conflicted at this point but at least everyone agrees you should eat a lot of raw vegetables.
Soon you learn that even vegetables are trying to kill you. Many are completely out unless they are pre-fermented with live cultures in a specialized $79 imported pickling crock. Legumes and nightshades absolutely cause problems. Even fermentation can’t make those healthy.
Goodbye, tomatoes. Goodbye green beans. Goodbye all that makes summer food good. Hey, it’s hard but you have to eliminate these toxins and anti-nutrients. You probably have a sensitivity. Actually, you almost positively have a sensitivity. Restaurants and friends who want to grab lunch with you will just have to deal.
Kale: it’s what’s for dinner. And lunch. And breakfast.
The only thing you are sure of is kale, until you learn that even when you buy organic, local kale from the store (organic, local kale is the only food you can eat now) it is probably GMO cross-contaminated. Besides, it usually comes rolled in corn starch and fried to make it crunchier. Market research, dahling…sorry, people like crunchy cornstarch breaded Kale-Crispers™ more than actual bunny food.
And by now you’ve learned that the only thing worse than wheat is corn. Everyone can agree on that, too. Corn is making all of America fat. The whole harvest is turned into ethanol, high fructose corn syrup, chicken feed and corn starch and the only people who benefit from all those corn subsidies are evil companies like Cargill.
Also, people around the world are starving because the U.S. grows too much corn. It doesn’t actually make that much sense when you say it like that, but you read it on a blog. And anyway, everyone does agree that corn is Satan’s grain. Unless wheat is.
The only thing to do, really, when you think about it, is to grow all your own food. That’s the only way to get kale that isn’t cornstarch dipped. You’ve read a lot and it is obvious that you can’t trust anything, and you can’t trust anyone and everything is going to kill you and the only possible solution is to have complete and total control over your foodchain from seed to sandwich.
Not that you actually eat sandwiches.
You have a little panic attack at the idea of a sandwich on commercial bread: GMO wheat, HFCS and chemical additive dough conditioners. Some people see Jesus in their toast but you know the only faces in that mix of frankenfood grains and commercial preservatives are Insulin Sensitivity Man and his sidekick, Hormonal Disruption Boy.
It’s okay, though. You don’t need a deli sandwich or a po’boy. You have a saute of Russian Kale and Tuscan Kale and Scotch Kale (because you love international foods). It’s delicious. No, really. You cooked the kale in a half-pound of butter that had more raw culture than a black-tie soiree at Le Bernardin.
You round out your meal with a little piece of rabbit that you raised up and butchered out in the backyard. It’s dusted with all-natural pink Hawaiian high-mineral sea salt that you cashed-in your kid’s college fund to buy and topped with homemade lacto-fermented herb mayonnaise made with coconut oil and lemons from a tropical produce CSA share that helps disadvantaged youth earn money by gleaning urban citrus. The lemons were a bit over-ripe when they arrived to you, but since they were transported by mountain bike from LA to Seattle in order to keep them carbon neutral you can hardly complain.
The rabbit is ok. Maybe a bit bland. Right now you will eat meat, but only meat that you personally raise because you saw that PETA thing about industrial beef production and you can’t support that. Besides, those cows eat corn. Which is obscene because cows are supposed to eat grass. Ironically, everyone knows that a lawn is a complete waste in a neighborhood – that’s where urban gardens should go. In other words, the only good grass is grass that cows are eating. You wonder if your HOA will let you graze a cow in the common area.
In the meantime, you are looking for a farmer who raises beef in a way you can support and you have so far visited 14 ranches in the tri-state area. You have burned 476 gallons of gas driving your 17-mpg SUV around to interview farmers but, sadly, have yet to find a ranch where the cattle feed exclusively on organic homegrown kale.
Until you do, you allow yourself a small piece of rabbit once a month. You need to stretch your supply of ethical meat after that terrible incident with the mother rabbit who nursed her kibble and ate her kits. After that, deep down, you aren’t really sure you have the stomach for a lot more backyard meat-rabbit raising.
So you eat a lot of homegrown kale for awhile. Your seasoning is mostly self-satisfaction and your drink is mostly fear of all the other food lurking everywhere that is trying to kill you.
Eventually your doctor tells you that the incredible pain you’ve been experiencing is kidney stones caused by the high oxalic acid in the kale. You are instructed to cut out all dark leafy greens from your diet, including kale, beet greens, spinach, and swiss chard and eat a ton of low-fat dairy.
Your doctor recommends that new healthy yogurt with the probiotics. She thinks it’s called Activa.
I just wanted to say…..what a great, perfectly written article. Thank you for this, you sum up my thoughts / feeling on this topic so well. Fear mongering is becoming so commonplace these days and everyone is an expert and knows best. Thanks again!
You people make me sick :S
This was hilarious! As someone who is totally suspicious of most foods and has a hard time finding foods that are supposedly safe to eat and then often discovers those foods aren’t safe either, I really enjoyed your article. Thanks! 😀
This is hilarious. Unfortunately it’s all true. The punch line should be: when it comes down to it, moderation wins.
Kale is great, I don’t remember the last time I ate rabbit, gluten isn’t all bad unless you are celiac. I support drinking raw milk, cows taste better but goat is better for you. Coconut oil is also great, and definitely eat butter and the sour probiotic yogurt as opposed to margarine and sugary skim milk yogurt…. really well done, funny! Thanks and I will re-post on fb. Btw the sheer amount of comments on this is overwhelming and surprising how the conversation shifts, organically 🙂 some good work being done
This says it all. As a person wading through the intricacies of fighting cancer, I am constantly moaning about what all this research really means. One minute I should drink coffee, but the next minute it will kill me. Thanks for putting this all in one place with humor! LOVE IT!
I don’t read Erica’s blog for health advice. I don’t eat organic food just to be healthy. I know I am going to die, and probably won’t be healthy doing it. But I swear I will laugh until the end of my days, and I am going to have some damn good meals on the way to the inevitable. I like meat, I like veg, bread is good too. Erica’s blog is the butter for my bread. A little humor makes the day taste better… and the occasional recipe keeps me sampling things I never thought to try.
This was the funniest article I have read in a loooooong time – HILARIOUS – you just made my day and made me have a good, healthy laugh at myself! Awesome writing you cheeky gal 🙂 x
Humour is FUNNY….sadly if grown ups talk like what I have read here….no wonder some wonder why their kids get into trouble….do they think bullying is funny too? Humour is something to laugh at that never ever harms or upsets another. Too many ppl mistake cruelty and ignorance for humour. This topic has gone way off topic sadly into a topic of sickened posts. This world will never be a good place to live when ppl treat or even so called joke about cruelty to animals or humans. Where is your decency? Jails are filled with young ppl from families with sick humour etc…think about it. Have I eaten rabbit…yes, when raised properly and killed properly…yes, as with other animals. Do I support inhuman conditions for any animal…no way! Do I support any immoral behaviour…no way…I wish you well and wish you to find a better way of finding humour and getting along without harming another. Even a little…not cool~!
In Saying the above..I forgot to mention tho that I am sickened by some of the comments….I LOVED the ARTICLE.
So seriously, what the F**k are we allowed to eat, that IS healthy or morally ethical for us? This whole article talks about what we think is healthy, and then the author gives a big shooting spree of downers for everything. Jeez, I may as well become a Sadhu in India. Then I don’t have to eat, drink, or defecate for the rest of my life.
Almost died laughing! This pretty much suns up my feelings. People come to me for gluten free ideas because they know my daughter has Celiac, my first reaction is to say “if you don’t have celiac wheat is not the enemy so don’t waste your time”
Can we all just recognize the ingeniously written satire that sits before us? Amazing.
But, the coconut oil in your mayonnaise is a tropical oil, which is very high in sat fat. So you should have been dying of a heart attack before you had the kidney stones. Hope this helps!
(thanks, that was hilarious.)
Ha ha ha! I’m vegan now so that is the majority of the animal ethics out of the way, just the GMO and mass farming health and ethics to deal with now!
Rabbits are suppose to be a really healthy meat to eat , although since I have rabbits as pets I don’t think I could eat a rabbit.
Satire with a heavy dose of sarcasm here one thinks. Fortunately US food is not allowed in Europe! However the point of this I believe is to highlight the neurosis caused by trying to understand the minefield of information on healthier eating. This indeed is true, as we all find that the golden egg product that is marketed as the answer to our healthy lifestyle dreams, is actually produced using some vile and toxic manufacturing process. The biggest hurdle we all face is labelling, or more to the point, the lack of it. Until we are given our human rights to be informed of the nature of a product’s true contents and chemicals used in its growth and manufacture then the minefield will continue. Look how long it took westerm governments to impose advertising restrictions and health warnings about a simple single ingredient in tobacco products before we anticipate such a move on the minefield of food production. That said there are some totally obvious health issues with certain foods and it is wise, whatever we read, to be sensible with our eating lifestyles. Fortunately here in Europe, organic raw foods are not tainted and cross-contaminated with GMO or chemicals that give boys breasts. And whilst my ten year old boy remains pretty much the healthiest kid in his school, only catching a mild sniff of an annual cold, he will continue to eat organic real food knowing that with the information available to us, it is still the most widely regarded sensible way to eat.
I have no idea how I’m only just seeing this, although it’s possible I’ve commented already and am forgetting in my old(ish) age, but HELLS YEAH. This is hilarious. Love it. Thank you. :>
Thank you for sharing this.. that is how I feel all the time with my shopping list in hand…
5$ lemons or $2 lemons.. its frustrating. So I share the sentiment.
🙂
Ya’ll missed the point of the sarcasm!…lol….Great piece, Erica! I think I’ll go have a cup of coffee and a sweet roll…dinner is Chicken, boxed stuffing and non-organic green beans. lol
In response to this article,
What is there that is commonly available and or even industrially produced that is relatively safe and “healthy” to eat?
Is the key just to mix it up and keep variety in your diet?
My diet doesn’t seem to hurt me too much, and all I do is avoid candy, soda, energy drinks and fast food 98% of the time.
I don’t have ethical concerns about meat since the small butchers and farmer have been all but driven out of business, although I enjoy buying locally when seasonally available.
I can not raise my own live stock.
This is amazing!!! Haven’t laughed so hard in a while. The first paragraph sounds almost exactly as me. My husband laughed so hard when he read it cause it reminded him of me so much! 😀
You are very confused, and frustrated.
Aaaand it’s like you just summed up my life. Sigh.
The healthy version of If You Give A Mouse A Cookie…
That was hands-down the best blog article I’ve ever read… this coming from one of those health blog-obsessed people that switches from paleo to traditional food to vegan in a week. 😉 Thanks for the laugh!
Ha, this is awsome. I love how people take this so literal. PS i think rabbit is my favorite meat, roast it in the oven with your favorite spices and wine and its delicious
Heya! I know this is kind of off-topic however I needed
to ask. Does managing a well-established blog like yours take a massive amount work?
I’m brand new to operating a blog but I do write in my journal every day. I’d like to start a
blog so I can easily share my experience and views online.
Please let me know if you have any kind of recommendations or tips
for new aspiring bloggers. Appreciate it!
Eating rabbit is gross. Eating green is gross.
Hilarious post! Just did a post on my blog about making your own Baked kale chips! Ha ha. Love it.
Cheers
– Britt
WAIT! Don’t cheers, I don’t even want to get you started on the toxins in alcohol! 🙂
Thanks for the laugh! I say everything in moderation. Can’t just munch on kale all day, though I am growing some in my garden!
hi erica, i’m with you and have been for nearly a decade. i would first like to add that you left out the flouridated water and flushed pharmaceuticals in the water company’s “treated” water. then there’s deforestation because of the palm oil in all the vegan foods, not to mention that the entire ocean’s ecosystem rests on the tiny backs (or should i say dorsal fins) or the lowly menhaden that, unfortunately for it, has really dense amount of omega-3 fatty acids. typically, everyone seems more concerned for the plight of the rabbit (there’s so so adorable) and have missed the humor. as far as solutions, it’s a bit daunting. i’ve heard that juicing cannabis is as close to a panacea as we’re ever gonna get for all the life threatening conditions brought on by all the poisonous food. they’ve opened clinics around the world to use this juice therapy… just not in the united states ’cause we’re so progressive as a society. other than that, i guess you’ll have to become a forager. they say there’s 1500 species of edible greens growing wild and on the edges of parking lots all across the country. of course, mis-identifying some similar looking plants could kill you or give you kidney failure but at least it would one’s own mistake instead of the industrial food production regime. good luck, really enjoyed the post… rabbit killer!
There is so much awesome here!
Omg.. This absolutely made my day!
I’m a Lean Cuisine and Special K convert into real foods and I am faced with these life dilemmas daily lol.
So I finally found a way to tolerate the god-given kale.. And now you’re telling me its fried?! So much to know! And so much more to worry about! 😉
Love this article and really puts our obsessive healthy eating into a whole new perspective..
I know this is all meant to be in fun. However, as a mother of a child who was hospitalized for three months in Lucile Packard’s Children’s Hospital for Orthorexia, this is not a joke. Some, especially children, are terrified that foods are harmful and will kill them. This is a real disorder, and in reality, eating ice cream, or genetically modified meat is better for young people than starving because they are terrified to eat anything.
As I sit here I am drinking water out of a plastic cup. And don’t even get me started on the food I ate today….. probably every single thing I ate is going to simultaneously give me cancer or protect me from cancer. Didn’t even have kale today.
But in all seriousness… my parents are awesome for teaching me how to eat a balanced diet rather than my having to teach it to myself. They even are vegetarian, so I didn’t even have to teach myself that either!
You forgot to mention that the 17mpg SUV would have gotten 19mpg if it didn’t have ethanol laced fuel in it.
Eating healthy is actually pretty easy…just read some food literature (ex. Sugar Blues or The Omnivore’s Dillemma) and buy some vegan/vegetarian cookbooks…works for me 🙂