I know you. We have a lot in common. You have been doing some reading and now you are pretty sure everything in the grocery store and your kitchen cupboards is going to kill you.
Before Your Healthy Eating Internet Education:
I eat pretty healthy. Check it out: whole grain crackers, veggie patties, prawns, broccoli. I am actually pretty into clean eating.
After Your Healthy Eating Internet Education:
Those crackers – gluten, baby. Gluten is toxic to your intestinal health, I read it on a forum. They should call those crackers Leaky Gut Crisps, that would be more accurate. That veggie burger in the freezer? GMO soy. Basically that’s a Monsanto patty. Did you know soybean oil is an insecticide? And those prawns are fish farmed in Vietnamese sewage pools. I didn’t know about the sewage fish farming when I bought them, though, really I didn’t!
The broccoli, though..that’s ok. I can eat that. Eating that doesn’t make me a terrible person, unless….oh, shit! That broccoli isn’t organic. That means it’s covered with endocrine disrupting pesticides that will make my son sprout breasts. As if adolescence isn’t awkward enough.
And who pre-cut this broccoli like that? I bet it was some poor Mexican person not making a living wage and being treated as a cog in an industrial broccoli cutting warehouse. So I’m basically supporting slavery if I eat this pre-cut broccoli. Oh my God, it’s in a plastic bag too. Which means I am personally responsible for the death of countless endangered seabirds right now.
I hate myself.
Well, shit.
All you want to do is eat a little healthier. Really. Maybe get some of that Activa probiotic yogurt or something. So you look around and start researching what “healthier” means.
That really skinny old scientist dude says anything from an animal will give you cancer. But a super-ripped 60 year old with a best-selling diet book says eat more butter with your crispy T-Bone and you’ll be just fine as long as you stay away from grains. Great abs beat out the PhD so you end up hanging out on a forum where everyone eats green apples and red meat and talks about how functional and badass parkour is.
You learn that basically, if you ignore civilization and Mark Knopfler music, the last 10,000 years of human development has been one big societal and nutritional cock-up and wheat is entirely to blame. What we all need to do is eat like cave-people.
You’re hardcore now, so you go way past way cave-person. You go all the way to The Inuit Diet™.
Some people say it’s a little fringe, but you are committed to live a healthy lifestyle. “Okay,” you say, “let’s do this shit,” as you fry your caribou steak and seal liver in rendered whale blubber. You lose some weight which is good, but it costs $147.99 a pound for frozen seal liver out of the back of an unmarked van at the Canadian border.
Even though The Inuit Diet™ is high in Vitamin D, you learn that every disease anywhere can be traced to a lack of Vitamin D (you read that on a blog post) so you start to supplement. 5000 IU of Vitamin D before sitting in the tanning booth for an hour does wonders for your hair luster.
Maxing out your credit line on seal liver forces you to continue your internet education in healthy eating. As you read more you begin to understand that grains are fine but before you eat them you must prepare them in the traditional way: by long soaking in the light of a new moon with a mix of mineral water and the strained lacto-fermented tears of a virgin.
You discover that if the women in your family haven’t been eating a lot of mussels for at least the last four generations, you are pretty much guaranteed a $6000 orthodontia bill for your snaggle-tooth kid. That’s if you are able to conceive at all, which you probably won’t, because you ate margarine at least twice when you were 17.
Healthy eating is getting pretty complicated and conflicted at this point but at least everyone agrees you should eat a lot of raw vegetables.
Soon you learn that even vegetables are trying to kill you. Many are completely out unless they are pre-fermented with live cultures in a specialized $79 imported pickling crock. Legumes and nightshades absolutely cause problems. Even fermentation can’t make those healthy.
Goodbye, tomatoes. Goodbye green beans. Goodbye all that makes summer food good. Hey, it’s hard but you have to eliminate these toxins and anti-nutrients. You probably have a sensitivity. Actually, you almost positively have a sensitivity. Restaurants and friends who want to grab lunch with you will just have to deal.
Kale: it’s what’s for dinner. And lunch. And breakfast.
The only thing you are sure of is kale, until you learn that even when you buy organic, local kale from the store (organic, local kale is the only food you can eat now) it is probably GMO cross-contaminated. Besides, it usually comes rolled in corn starch and fried to make it crunchier. Market research, dahling…sorry, people like crunchy cornstarch breaded Kale-Crispers™ more than actual bunny food.
And by now you’ve learned that the only thing worse than wheat is corn. Everyone can agree on that, too. Corn is making all of America fat. The whole harvest is turned into ethanol, high fructose corn syrup, chicken feed and corn starch and the only people who benefit from all those corn subsidies are evil companies like Cargill.
Also, people around the world are starving because the U.S. grows too much corn. It doesn’t actually make that much sense when you say it like that, but you read it on a blog. And anyway, everyone does agree that corn is Satan’s grain. Unless wheat is.
The only thing to do, really, when you think about it, is to grow all your own food. That’s the only way to get kale that isn’t cornstarch dipped. You’ve read a lot and it is obvious that you can’t trust anything, and you can’t trust anyone and everything is going to kill you and the only possible solution is to have complete and total control over your foodchain from seed to sandwich.
Not that you actually eat sandwiches.
You have a little panic attack at the idea of a sandwich on commercial bread: GMO wheat, HFCS and chemical additive dough conditioners. Some people see Jesus in their toast but you know the only faces in that mix of frankenfood grains and commercial preservatives are Insulin Sensitivity Man and his sidekick, Hormonal Disruption Boy.
It’s okay, though. You don’t need a deli sandwich or a po’boy. You have a saute of Russian Kale and Tuscan Kale and Scotch Kale (because you love international foods). It’s delicious. No, really. You cooked the kale in a half-pound of butter that had more raw culture than a black-tie soiree at Le Bernardin.
You round out your meal with a little piece of rabbit that you raised up and butchered out in the backyard. It’s dusted with all-natural pink Hawaiian high-mineral sea salt that you cashed-in your kid’s college fund to buy and topped with homemade lacto-fermented herb mayonnaise made with coconut oil and lemons from a tropical produce CSA share that helps disadvantaged youth earn money by gleaning urban citrus. The lemons were a bit over-ripe when they arrived to you, but since they were transported by mountain bike from LA to Seattle in order to keep them carbon neutral you can hardly complain.
The rabbit is ok. Maybe a bit bland. Right now you will eat meat, but only meat that you personally raise because you saw that PETA thing about industrial beef production and you can’t support that. Besides, those cows eat corn. Which is obscene because cows are supposed to eat grass. Ironically, everyone knows that a lawn is a complete waste in a neighborhood – that’s where urban gardens should go. In other words, the only good grass is grass that cows are eating. You wonder if your HOA will let you graze a cow in the common area.
In the meantime, you are looking for a farmer who raises beef in a way you can support and you have so far visited 14 ranches in the tri-state area. You have burned 476 gallons of gas driving your 17-mpg SUV around to interview farmers but, sadly, have yet to find a ranch where the cattle feed exclusively on organic homegrown kale.
Until you do, you allow yourself a small piece of rabbit once a month. You need to stretch your supply of ethical meat after that terrible incident with the mother rabbit who nursed her kibble and ate her kits. After that, deep down, you aren’t really sure you have the stomach for a lot more backyard meat-rabbit raising.
So you eat a lot of homegrown kale for awhile. Your seasoning is mostly self-satisfaction and your drink is mostly fear of all the other food lurking everywhere that is trying to kill you.
Eventually your doctor tells you that the incredible pain you’ve been experiencing is kidney stones caused by the high oxalic acid in the kale. You are instructed to cut out all dark leafy greens from your diet, including kale, beet greens, spinach, and swiss chard and eat a ton of low-fat dairy.
Your doctor recommends that new healthy yogurt with the probiotics. She thinks it’s called Activa.
Bahahahahaha – seriously I have two kids allergic to dairy and two allergic to gluten bla bla bla. Have mostly lived in areas where hardcore foodies congregate (and have been one myself). What a relief to enjoy some sartorial satire. Love this piece. You’ve made my day!
You think this is funny, huh! And yet the more I learn, the longer it takes me to shop and the less food I am actually willing to buy! Organic local kale sauteed in grassfed butter does sound like the longterm solution………
After 20 years of sheepishly asking patients to eat butter, and to come off wheat, dairy and sugar, I’ve turned around to see an army of Paleo-hipsters shouting the same message like they invented it. It helps to laugh, so thank you. You had me at “seasoning of self-satisfaction”. I’m going to share on my FB feed.
Thanks for the laugh. Hilarious post. Made me laugh out loud at work!
Absolutely fabulous- well done, so thoughtful and detailed satire! Thanks, I needed that… 🙂
Hysterical, and yes I too still eat hot dogs…grass-fed, topped with LF sauerkraut , hold the roll. 🙂
Sometimes I go through this. Reading articles about horse meat and pink slime, Monsanto wrecking vegetables, GMO fruits, chemicals in EVERYTHING. It can be very overwhelming!!
When you’re so stressed out about what you’re eating, the anxiety will make you sick. Period. Thanks for helping me laugh at my insecurities!
FINALLY! This is exactly the freakish hell I’ve been living in over the last year. No matter what you read – everything contradicts everything else – and everyone’s an expert – and NOTHING WORKS! Gah! I’m going back to my donuts.
(Seriously. Thanks for the post. LOVED every minute of it.)
hysterical, I was giggling the whole way through. I’d love for yout tocheck out out menus at http://phatburn.com/category/menus/ and tear one apart. IM literally still laughing.
Hilarious! And it perfectly makes the point I always try to underline, there are no clear-cut, perfectly and absolutely healthy foods. There’s always some level of compromise you have to accept. If you think about it, even the oxygen will eventually kill us with all these free radicals. What you’re gonna do, stop breathing? Just accept you’re mortal and move on.
Unfortunately a lot of people obsess about food for real. Even though orthorexia nervosa is still not recognized by the American Psychiatric Association and is not included in DCM IV I won’t be surprised if it pops up in one of the following editions.
OMG. Hysterical! You are a very talented writer!!!! I will be reposting this on FB and come back for more. Thank you!!!
All this worrying about food makes me nostalgic for the good old days when I just had to worry about eating my vegetables so I could have dessert.
Hilarious, your post :-). Indeed, all you can do these days(if you listen to the health extremists) is probably stop eating all together. Oh, and by the way, there is an article circulating online about Activia and rat anal whatever. maybe you could pass it on to your doctor next time you see her ;-)?
I’m still laughing. Great post!
Thank you for a smile and reminder that life is too short!
Hasenpfiefer is for hare’s not bunny rabbits. Treat it like chicken or veal.
Realistically, to much of eating/drinking anything can make you sick or kill you. DUH!!!
Also horticulturally speaking, The FDA is in place to prevent food fraud and organic gardening is good but you’re at high risk of bacteria & fungus on your own terms. So you have to decide pesticides or bacteria/ fungus?
LOL ok really not funny!! You just described the past year of my life, since being diagnosed with celiac disease and most recently developing a horrible allergy to dairy….I mean like food poisoning reaction I have been on a mission to figure it all out. Oh my I had no idea how confused I actually on what healthy eating meant. . Slowly getting there with some help from the raw food foodies
Well that was the funniest thing I have read in a while. Funny because my girldfriends and I discuss these very issues all the time! I do however, have the luxury of actually being a small farm owner. I raise all beef and chicken organically. Use the cow poo, aged to perfection, for my gardens which are to organic. But they are not labelled as such because that causes a whole set of other headaches. I love Kale but there are many other vegies that are good if not better. I drink only raw Jersey milk from the Raw Dairy down the road. But hell yes I will eat a cupcake from the bakery in town. Everything is going to kill you because you are going to die one day no matter what. If you don’t enjoy your life all the organics in the world won’t help you!
Fun Blog
So as I am reading this, all the stress of trying to eat healthy is coming back to me and … is STRESSING ME OUT!! haha. This was pretty funny, but I honestly feel the same way sometimes. 🙂 Thanks for the laugh! (and the stress)
You have made all my recent woes funny, and therefore, my friend, YOU ROCK.
Oh my goodness, this post is hilarious and completely spot-on! You hit all my ridiculous,over-privlidged food neuroses right on their silly little heads. Thanks for the laugh – I will definitely keep looking for more brilliant posts. 😀
Hey, you have a better chance living a little bit longer by eating *something* than by eating nothing…
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Thanks for this! While I don’t ever anticipating ever going “that far” (because I’m also committed to being debt free…) reality checks are important! 🙂
Amazing Article ~ love it. i’ll just pray on each meal…and i’ll be fine. who knows when we’re going to die anyways!!
Shame on you all for hurting bunnies! They are cute and sweet. The article itself was hilarious though.
Awesome! A not-so-gentle, but oh-so-funny reminder that we need to use a balanced portion of common sense. We generally have a WAPF-based diet but have lightened up quite a bit over the last year due to finances, fellowship maintainence, and time (hours and hours) more well-spent playing (for ME) w/the grandkids than working in the kitchen. I love it, I love doing it, but keeping more of a balance than I had in the past keeps more peace and happiness in my home and in my heart…and I’m absolutely certain those things play out hugely in the arena of health.
Yes, driving everyone crazy. And how on earth are we alive after generation upon generation eating what is now called “unhealthy” food? Yes, moderation is fine. Yes, chemical free food is absolute. The real need is to get wealth chasing out of the equation that leads to producing foods to obtain killing profits; and STOP wasting food and resources. Also, absolute is changing habits: despite all this “healthy” noises, don’t you get freaked out with the zillions of gallons of the absolutely dangerous poison called alcohol sold by the very self-righteous capitalists like Whole Foods? Eating kale or bunnies, and drinking poison, in whatever enticing package!