I know you. We have a lot in common. You have been doing some reading and now you are pretty sure everything in the grocery store and your kitchen cupboards is going to kill you.
Before Your Healthy Eating Internet Education:
I eat pretty healthy. Check it out: whole grain crackers, veggie patties, prawns, broccoli. I am actually pretty into clean eating.
After Your Healthy Eating Internet Education:
Those crackers – gluten, baby. Gluten is toxic to your intestinal health, I read it on a forum. They should call those crackers Leaky Gut Crisps, that would be more accurate. That veggie burger in the freezer? GMO soy. Basically that’s a Monsanto patty. Did you know soybean oil is an insecticide? And those prawns are fish farmed in Vietnamese sewage pools. I didn’t know about the sewage fish farming when I bought them, though, really I didn’t!
The broccoli, though..that’s ok. I can eat that. Eating that doesn’t make me a terrible person, unless….oh, shit! That broccoli isn’t organic. That means it’s covered with endocrine disrupting pesticides that will make my son sprout breasts. As if adolescence isn’t awkward enough.
And who pre-cut this broccoli like that? I bet it was some poor Mexican person not making a living wage and being treated as a cog in an industrial broccoli cutting warehouse. So I’m basically supporting slavery if I eat this pre-cut broccoli. Oh my God, it’s in a plastic bag too. Which means I am personally responsible for the death of countless endangered seabirds right now.
I hate myself.
Well, shit.
All you want to do is eat a little healthier. Really. Maybe get some of that Activa probiotic yogurt or something. So you look around and start researching what “healthier” means.
That really skinny old scientist dude says anything from an animal will give you cancer. But a super-ripped 60 year old with a best-selling diet book says eat more butter with your crispy T-Bone and you’ll be just fine as long as you stay away from grains. Great abs beat out the PhD so you end up hanging out on a forum where everyone eats green apples and red meat and talks about how functional and badass parkour is.
You learn that basically, if you ignore civilization and Mark Knopfler music, the last 10,000 years of human development has been one big societal and nutritional cock-up and wheat is entirely to blame. What we all need to do is eat like cave-people.
You’re hardcore now, so you go way past way cave-person. You go all the way to The Inuit Diet™.
Some people say it’s a little fringe, but you are committed to live a healthy lifestyle. “Okay,” you say, “let’s do this shit,” as you fry your caribou steak and seal liver in rendered whale blubber. You lose some weight which is good, but it costs $147.99 a pound for frozen seal liver out of the back of an unmarked van at the Canadian border.
Even though The Inuit Diet™ is high in Vitamin D, you learn that every disease anywhere can be traced to a lack of Vitamin D (you read that on a blog post) so you start to supplement. 5000 IU of Vitamin D before sitting in the tanning booth for an hour does wonders for your hair luster.
Maxing out your credit line on seal liver forces you to continue your internet education in healthy eating. As you read more you begin to understand that grains are fine but before you eat them you must prepare them in the traditional way: by long soaking in the light of a new moon with a mix of mineral water and the strained lacto-fermented tears of a virgin.
You discover that if the women in your family haven’t been eating a lot of mussels for at least the last four generations, you are pretty much guaranteed a $6000 orthodontia bill for your snaggle-tooth kid. That’s if you are able to conceive at all, which you probably won’t, because you ate margarine at least twice when you were 17.
Healthy eating is getting pretty complicated and conflicted at this point but at least everyone agrees you should eat a lot of raw vegetables.
Soon you learn that even vegetables are trying to kill you. Many are completely out unless they are pre-fermented with live cultures in a specialized $79 imported pickling crock. Legumes and nightshades absolutely cause problems. Even fermentation can’t make those healthy.
Goodbye, tomatoes. Goodbye green beans. Goodbye all that makes summer food good. Hey, it’s hard but you have to eliminate these toxins and anti-nutrients. You probably have a sensitivity. Actually, you almost positively have a sensitivity. Restaurants and friends who want to grab lunch with you will just have to deal.
Kale: it’s what’s for dinner. And lunch. And breakfast.
The only thing you are sure of is kale, until you learn that even when you buy organic, local kale from the store (organic, local kale is the only food you can eat now) it is probably GMO cross-contaminated. Besides, it usually comes rolled in corn starch and fried to make it crunchier. Market research, dahling…sorry, people like crunchy cornstarch breaded Kale-Crispers™ more than actual bunny food.
And by now you’ve learned that the only thing worse than wheat is corn. Everyone can agree on that, too. Corn is making all of America fat. The whole harvest is turned into ethanol, high fructose corn syrup, chicken feed and corn starch and the only people who benefit from all those corn subsidies are evil companies like Cargill.
Also, people around the world are starving because the U.S. grows too much corn. It doesn’t actually make that much sense when you say it like that, but you read it on a blog. And anyway, everyone does agree that corn is Satan’s grain. Unless wheat is.
The only thing to do, really, when you think about it, is to grow all your own food. That’s the only way to get kale that isn’t cornstarch dipped. You’ve read a lot and it is obvious that you can’t trust anything, and you can’t trust anyone and everything is going to kill you and the only possible solution is to have complete and total control over your foodchain from seed to sandwich.
Not that you actually eat sandwiches.
You have a little panic attack at the idea of a sandwich on commercial bread: GMO wheat, HFCS and chemical additive dough conditioners. Some people see Jesus in their toast but you know the only faces in that mix of frankenfood grains and commercial preservatives are Insulin Sensitivity Man and his sidekick, Hormonal Disruption Boy.
It’s okay, though. You don’t need a deli sandwich or a po’boy. You have a saute of Russian Kale and Tuscan Kale and Scotch Kale (because you love international foods). It’s delicious. No, really. You cooked the kale in a half-pound of butter that had more raw culture than a black-tie soiree at Le Bernardin.
You round out your meal with a little piece of rabbit that you raised up and butchered out in the backyard. It’s dusted with all-natural pink Hawaiian high-mineral sea salt that you cashed-in your kid’s college fund to buy and topped with homemade lacto-fermented herb mayonnaise made with coconut oil and lemons from a tropical produce CSA share that helps disadvantaged youth earn money by gleaning urban citrus. The lemons were a bit over-ripe when they arrived to you, but since they were transported by mountain bike from LA to Seattle in order to keep them carbon neutral you can hardly complain.
The rabbit is ok. Maybe a bit bland. Right now you will eat meat, but only meat that you personally raise because you saw that PETA thing about industrial beef production and you can’t support that. Besides, those cows eat corn. Which is obscene because cows are supposed to eat grass. Ironically, everyone knows that a lawn is a complete waste in a neighborhood – that’s where urban gardens should go. In other words, the only good grass is grass that cows are eating. You wonder if your HOA will let you graze a cow in the common area.
In the meantime, you are looking for a farmer who raises beef in a way you can support and you have so far visited 14 ranches in the tri-state area. You have burned 476 gallons of gas driving your 17-mpg SUV around to interview farmers but, sadly, have yet to find a ranch where the cattle feed exclusively on organic homegrown kale.
Until you do, you allow yourself a small piece of rabbit once a month. You need to stretch your supply of ethical meat after that terrible incident with the mother rabbit who nursed her kibble and ate her kits. After that, deep down, you aren’t really sure you have the stomach for a lot more backyard meat-rabbit raising.
So you eat a lot of homegrown kale for awhile. Your seasoning is mostly self-satisfaction and your drink is mostly fear of all the other food lurking everywhere that is trying to kill you.
Eventually your doctor tells you that the incredible pain you’ve been experiencing is kidney stones caused by the high oxalic acid in the kale. You are instructed to cut out all dark leafy greens from your diet, including kale, beet greens, spinach, and swiss chard and eat a ton of low-fat dairy.
Your doctor recommends that new healthy yogurt with the probiotics. She thinks it’s called Activa.
I laughed because I had to…not because I wanted to. I think we have read the same books. Tried the same diets. And we still dont know what to eat. I was raised on macaroni and meatballs submerged in Sunday “gravy”. I think I need to go back to that. Oh, did I mention Italian bread and grated cheese ..Lots of grated cheese. And while we were wating for it to be “macaroni time”… me and my sister ate gravy sandwiches… of Wonder bread and the gravy cooking on the stove. The Italian bread was saved for dinner.. and Oh.. Pepsi.. we got to have a half a glass of Pepsi on Sunday with dinner.. It was a treat.
Love it Charlotte!!!! Sounds like you had an enjoyable childhood, as it should be!!
I think what this article is saying is simple: We are all going to die.
I think we can all agree on that no matter what we put in our faces.
We. Are. All. Going. To Die.
Have a nice day and a wonderful life before we all plan on doing what is going to happen: Die.
Hahahaha!!!! This is the absolute funniest thing I have read in ages!!!! And So so so true!
And what’s with all the comments about how to cook a rabbit?!? Hahahahahahha
I love it! Thank you for putting a smile on my face and a laugh in my belly this a.m.!!!
Exactly what I often feel in my plight to eat healthy and feed my child well!!
You have a new follower here! :)))
Finally Jennifer, someone who understands the humor in this article!!!!! I also loved it.
Jeez, whoever the “you” is in this article sounds like an idiot, and not an actual healthy eater. Also sounds like the author doesn’t know anything about nutrition, either… Except for what he may have read from a blog. 😉
I think this article was hilarious….loved it. I don’t know why people are getting offended. I think the whole point of this article was to say just because someone says it’s healthy, there’s a downside to everything. She just wrote it in an amusing way most people can laugh at and enjoy….and the things she said were true….the cost of some healthy stuff…..how far does one go to be healthy…etc!! Everything in moderation right??!!! Thought this article was genius.
This is awesome.
This post has me SCREAMING with laughter! If I juice another piece of kale, I’m going to SCREAM without laughter. I’ve decided that I will eat what I so choose and pray over it before I do. Who’s going to stop me?
Remember, there are no I’s in ACTIVIA. Oh wait … yes there are. TWO, in fact. ACTIVA is a scooter made by Honda.
If I had the money, I would pay Jamie Lee Curtis to stop doing Activia commercials.
Reading this was such a blast! It was like reading the ranting inside my own head. Thanks and keep at it!!!
I am very upset about all this talk of eating rabbit. I’ve had rabbits as house pets/ fur children for over 22yrs now. Why don’t you try dog or cat while you are at it?
I had just finished making a film about how ridiculous the healthy eating standards seems to be. I was inspired while eating a salad, whilst watching “Hungry for Change,” and I still somehow felt I was being a pig. So I made this film. And honestly I think the timing of this article and the film are uncanny. I promise this is not a spam post. Check it out of you’d like. Regardless. This was a great article, the actress eating the salad in the film shared it with me.
Terrifying, yet, we all try to live a healthy lifestyle. Carol Alt doesn’t eat anything cooked above the boiling point or close to it and she preserves everything in a vacuum container (according to her book ‘Eating in the raw” http://www.easyfigure.com/vacsy-food-storage.html?SID=8h392i0tmfpqnhoncpdue0aem3). She looks amazing for her 50s age and even made it on Playboy magazine few years ago.
Having the opportunity to travel extensively, I noticed how many Europeans prefer to have their own farm (in the country, of course) or a miniature of a garden in IKEA containers nicely organized in the kitchen. We heard of coffee beans (cherries, I should say) being eaten in Asia by an animal who eliminates the cherries ‘enhanced with enzymes’ through the normal system of their body. People are paying $50 per coffee cup to try it. We have proof from a previous fan that Barbera coffee is better and respecting nature without messing up with it.
I’m still wondering why Europe can recycle so well?
just read your reply to Kikki–hooray for you, Erica. I’m glad so many of your readers/commenters have a sense of humor and more than two brain cells to rub together–for all those who love to nurture their outrage–go live in your self-righteous purity and let the rest of us enjoy these very humorous and intelligent blogs in peace.
This is wonderful. And frightening LOL
This was freaking hilarious! I’ve shared it with my readers on FB…
Fantastic article. It’s amazing how and why people kill themselves like that. Look, you’re going to do a little harm to something, no matter what you do, so stop doing it all to yourself.
OMG’sh you REALLY do know me. For the past three months (Since we’ve been diagnosed with Celiac Disease) I’ve been on a hiatus trying to come up with the PERFECT diet for me and my kids. You describe it soooooo perfectly… Ha ha ha! Based on the hundreds of heath nutty bloggy people and their articles, we follow the Superfoodist diet…. basically we’re grain-free, soy free, corn free, organic (no GMO!) plant-based (raw vegan 90%), that drink kefir and bone broth and eggs. When I can get it and can afford it I’ll cook up some good grass-fed, organic beef/chicken/pork. I’m part of the sprouting, fermenting, soaking club now…. great to be here! Love this article!
I have a really hard time finding the humor in this post when some of us not just trying to be healthier, but are actually trying to save the life of a most beloved child!!! Diet does matter it’s not a joke or a passing trend!
As a writer/journalist I just want to say….such an amazing job. Te perfect and forgive me…tasty…balance of analysis, forgiveness, intent, and humor – wrapped in an in-your-face commentary without actually involving yourself in the argument and letting readers stew (forgive me..lol) in the juices of the information and facts and come to their own conclusions…many of them already have and instead of bashing them for their choices or mistakes, you find a way to let humor free them and still hit them with upper-cuts of truth. And you remained out of the story, but stayed in it putting it in the reader’s face the wole time. Wow. So enjoyed this. Bloody (had to, forgive me) brilliant. Cheers!
love my typos…always good to have a sense of humor about oneself (not to mention an editor).
I GUESS I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A “PETA” PERSON “PEOPLE EATING TASTY ANIMALS” I LOVE IT!!!!HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Love this! Thank you for a great laugh. Can completely relate as my husband, capitalizing on my being out of town, pitched about six jars of lacto-fermented carrots and beans that had been sitting in our fridge for months because neither of us could stand the taste of them but I was too darn cheap and guilting-feeling to admit it and toss them.
Dear Kikki, the word is appalled, not applaud, which means clapping one’s hands together in appreciation of a thing well done. If you disagree with the author’s statement, then you wouldn’t be applauding it, you would be appalled by it, which is feeling great dismay over something. But if you were truly appalled, then you just didn’t understand the brilliance of her satire and your vocabulary is the least of your problems.
Best use of dark humour I’ve seen in ages. This is intelligent and freakin’ hilarious. Sarcasm at it’s best. I even laughed out loud, which is quite an accomplishment on your part.
Oh my. I can’t tell you how much this post resonated with me. I LMAO! I have made my family insane the past 10 years, starting with the HFCS thing. Every magazine, every article, takes us in a new direction! In our household, simultaneously, we have the paleo diet, gluten free diet, Fuhrman’s Eat to Live diet and then there’s my husband; Take out as usual. I’m p.o.’d that I have forfeited butter and animal fats all these years, only to find out, if I close my eyes and tap my heels three times, it will actually make me healthy! Thanks for a great read!
We made all those discoveries a long time ago. Now we have our home-grown food so we can eat without fear. We support our food eating habit through a very small CSA populated by locals who also want to eat spray free, local foods. They can even help with the farming and get paid to eat! We love it except the constant weeding – but one of our shareholders is an excellent accupuncturist & shares her share with a masseuse – so I can get help for my back aches after picking the strawberries!
Anyway LOVED your blog and will keep up with it. It was sent to me by another shareholder.
Brilliant wit!
Thank you, thank you!
My daughter sent this to my wife who admits she saw herself in at least half of your satiric self.
An effective intervention with humour and hopefully one step back towards nutritional sanity.
I loved it.
I eat only sustainably raised pet horse that died of natural causes. In fact, I’m starting a new magazine about raising horses for food, we’re calling it backyard Pony.
Hilarious! Anyone that has gone through any extreme to eat “healthy” will appreciate this article! Seriously though, be happy no matter how you eat cause you know what….we are all going to die someday anyway…better to die happy!!!
Yes. Just yes. And you have a new fan.
LOL but rabbit is NOT clean. Lev. 11: 2-4, 6, 27
haha…OMG! you have just described my entire journey on trying to eat healthy! I’m SO happy that you posted this. My frustrations are the same about all of the info out there.
Thanks for sharing.
This is funny, I can really relate. Unfortunately, I can also relate to the people who really need to be careful with their eating: my body was even rejecting water, until I changed my diet (mostly, not completely) and it seems that it’s been healing. I can’t afford organic anything, though – and I’m growing my own kale in my garden. 😉 Along with peppers, tomatoes, zucchini and other things.
I’ve vented more than once about all of the information being thrown our way about how this is really good for you – a total food – and I’ve felt coconutted-out after really focusing on the wonders of the coconut. It actually helped me, but I can’t afford to use it the way I need to. It’s all too expensive for a lot of us, and then I hear, “Well, if it’s really important, you’ll do it for your health.” Right: I’ll live in a cardboard box outside of Whole Foods, that will be REALLY good for me. Because I won’t be able to afford anything else, once I’ve bought my food, high-powered blender, and the vitamix that nobody can live without.
I loved your article and your brilliant sense of wit had me laughing! I should have stopped at your article as I scrolled through many of these comments, much of the magic of your writing prowess was overpowered and lost. Sometimes it’s best for the sake of the article to turn off comments.
For all you rabbit lovers, you’d be easy converts to this act of barbarism :
http://www.theglobalmail.org/feature/dog-meat-mafia-inside-thailands-smuggling-trade/616/
Buahahahahaha!!! This seriously made my week. I am sooo like this! Thank you for reminding me to laugh at my craziness once in a while. <3
Wow! That was hilarious. One way of encouraging home grown!
This is the best bolg I have E-V-E-R read!!! I had tears I was laughing so hard! You describe me to a “T” – eccept the rabbit part 😉
You had me at “Well, shit.”