I know you. We have a lot in common. You have been doing some reading and now you are pretty sure everything in the grocery store and your kitchen cupboards is going to kill you.
Before Your Healthy Eating Internet Education:
I eat pretty healthy. Check it out: whole grain crackers, veggie patties, prawns, broccoli. I am actually pretty into clean eating.
After Your Healthy Eating Internet Education:
Those crackers – gluten, baby. Gluten is toxic to your intestinal health, I read it on a forum. They should call those crackers Leaky Gut Crisps, that would be more accurate. That veggie burger in the freezer? GMO soy. Basically that’s a Monsanto patty. Did you know soybean oil is an insecticide? And those prawns are fish farmed in Vietnamese sewage pools. I didn’t know about the sewage fish farming when I bought them, though, really I didn’t!
The broccoli, though..that’s ok. I can eat that. Eating that doesn’t make me a terrible person, unless….oh, shit! That broccoli isn’t organic. That means it’s covered with endocrine disrupting pesticides that will make my son sprout breasts. As if adolescence isn’t awkward enough.
And who pre-cut this broccoli like that? I bet it was some poor Mexican person not making a living wage and being treated as a cog in an industrial broccoli cutting warehouse. So I’m basically supporting slavery if I eat this pre-cut broccoli. Oh my God, it’s in a plastic bag too. Which means I am personally responsible for the death of countless endangered seabirds right now.
I hate myself.
Well, shit.
All you want to do is eat a little healthier. Really. Maybe get some of that Activa probiotic yogurt or something. So you look around and start researching what “healthier” means.
That really skinny old scientist dude says anything from an animal will give you cancer. But a super-ripped 60 year old with a best-selling diet book says eat more butter with your crispy T-Bone and you’ll be just fine as long as you stay away from grains. Great abs beat out the PhD so you end up hanging out on a forum where everyone eats green apples and red meat and talks about how functional and badass parkour is.
You learn that basically, if you ignore civilization and Mark Knopfler music, the last 10,000 years of human development has been one big societal and nutritional cock-up and wheat is entirely to blame. What we all need to do is eat like cave-people.
You’re hardcore now, so you go way past way cave-person. You go all the way to The Inuit Diet™.
Some people say it’s a little fringe, but you are committed to live a healthy lifestyle. “Okay,” you say, “let’s do this shit,” as you fry your caribou steak and seal liver in rendered whale blubber. You lose some weight which is good, but it costs $147.99 a pound for frozen seal liver out of the back of an unmarked van at the Canadian border.
Even though The Inuit Diet™ is high in Vitamin D, you learn that every disease anywhere can be traced to a lack of Vitamin D (you read that on a blog post) so you start to supplement. 5000 IU of Vitamin D before sitting in the tanning booth for an hour does wonders for your hair luster.
Maxing out your credit line on seal liver forces you to continue your internet education in healthy eating. As you read more you begin to understand that grains are fine but before you eat them you must prepare them in the traditional way: by long soaking in the light of a new moon with a mix of mineral water and the strained lacto-fermented tears of a virgin.
You discover that if the women in your family haven’t been eating a lot of mussels for at least the last four generations, you are pretty much guaranteed a $6000 orthodontia bill for your snaggle-tooth kid. That’s if you are able to conceive at all, which you probably won’t, because you ate margarine at least twice when you were 17.
Healthy eating is getting pretty complicated and conflicted at this point but at least everyone agrees you should eat a lot of raw vegetables.
Soon you learn that even vegetables are trying to kill you. Many are completely out unless they are pre-fermented with live cultures in a specialized $79 imported pickling crock. Legumes and nightshades absolutely cause problems. Even fermentation can’t make those healthy.
Goodbye, tomatoes. Goodbye green beans. Goodbye all that makes summer food good. Hey, it’s hard but you have to eliminate these toxins and anti-nutrients. You probably have a sensitivity. Actually, you almost positively have a sensitivity. Restaurants and friends who want to grab lunch with you will just have to deal.
Kale: it’s what’s for dinner. And lunch. And breakfast.
The only thing you are sure of is kale, until you learn that even when you buy organic, local kale from the store (organic, local kale is the only food you can eat now) it is probably GMO cross-contaminated. Besides, it usually comes rolled in corn starch and fried to make it crunchier. Market research, dahling…sorry, people like crunchy cornstarch breaded Kale-Crispers™ more than actual bunny food.
And by now you’ve learned that the only thing worse than wheat is corn. Everyone can agree on that, too. Corn is making all of America fat. The whole harvest is turned into ethanol, high fructose corn syrup, chicken feed and corn starch and the only people who benefit from all those corn subsidies are evil companies like Cargill.
Also, people around the world are starving because the U.S. grows too much corn. It doesn’t actually make that much sense when you say it like that, but you read it on a blog. And anyway, everyone does agree that corn is Satan’s grain. Unless wheat is.
The only thing to do, really, when you think about it, is to grow all your own food. That’s the only way to get kale that isn’t cornstarch dipped. You’ve read a lot and it is obvious that you can’t trust anything, and you can’t trust anyone and everything is going to kill you and the only possible solution is to have complete and total control over your foodchain from seed to sandwich.
Not that you actually eat sandwiches.
You have a little panic attack at the idea of a sandwich on commercial bread: GMO wheat, HFCS and chemical additive dough conditioners. Some people see Jesus in their toast but you know the only faces in that mix of frankenfood grains and commercial preservatives are Insulin Sensitivity Man and his sidekick, Hormonal Disruption Boy.
It’s okay, though. You don’t need a deli sandwich or a po’boy. You have a saute of Russian Kale and Tuscan Kale and Scotch Kale (because you love international foods). It’s delicious. No, really. You cooked the kale in a half-pound of butter that had more raw culture than a black-tie soiree at Le Bernardin.
You round out your meal with a little piece of rabbit that you raised up and butchered out in the backyard. It’s dusted with all-natural pink Hawaiian high-mineral sea salt that you cashed-in your kid’s college fund to buy and topped with homemade lacto-fermented herb mayonnaise made with coconut oil and lemons from a tropical produce CSA share that helps disadvantaged youth earn money by gleaning urban citrus. The lemons were a bit over-ripe when they arrived to you, but since they were transported by mountain bike from LA to Seattle in order to keep them carbon neutral you can hardly complain.
The rabbit is ok. Maybe a bit bland. Right now you will eat meat, but only meat that you personally raise because you saw that PETA thing about industrial beef production and you can’t support that. Besides, those cows eat corn. Which is obscene because cows are supposed to eat grass. Ironically, everyone knows that a lawn is a complete waste in a neighborhood – that’s where urban gardens should go. In other words, the only good grass is grass that cows are eating. You wonder if your HOA will let you graze a cow in the common area.
In the meantime, you are looking for a farmer who raises beef in a way you can support and you have so far visited 14 ranches in the tri-state area. You have burned 476 gallons of gas driving your 17-mpg SUV around to interview farmers but, sadly, have yet to find a ranch where the cattle feed exclusively on organic homegrown kale.
Until you do, you allow yourself a small piece of rabbit once a month. You need to stretch your supply of ethical meat after that terrible incident with the mother rabbit who nursed her kibble and ate her kits. After that, deep down, you aren’t really sure you have the stomach for a lot more backyard meat-rabbit raising.
So you eat a lot of homegrown kale for awhile. Your seasoning is mostly self-satisfaction and your drink is mostly fear of all the other food lurking everywhere that is trying to kill you.
Eventually your doctor tells you that the incredible pain you’ve been experiencing is kidney stones caused by the high oxalic acid in the kale. You are instructed to cut out all dark leafy greens from your diet, including kale, beet greens, spinach, and swiss chard and eat a ton of low-fat dairy.
Your doctor recommends that new healthy yogurt with the probiotics. She thinks it’s called Activa.
I can’t tell you how much I can relate to this! Totally had me laughing the whole way through! Especially when I came across: “As you read more you begin to understand that grains are fine but before you eat them you must prepare them in the traditional way: by long soaking in the light of a new moon with a mix of mineral water and the strained lacto-fermented tears of a virgin.” HA! As I’ve been experimenting with my own plant based whole foods diet, I’ve had the same mentality = “I can’t eat that, this crap is going to kill me!” What a horrible place to be in when we fear every morsel we put in our mouths…I’m still undecided if the knowledge of our food industry is a good thing 🙂
I can’t tell you how much I love this. You hit the nail on the “trying to be healthy person’s” head.
Forgot to add that your dairy needs to come from hormone free, antibiotic free, grass fed, pasture raise cows but that humans shouldn’t even be drinking cows milk because cow’s milk is for cows and human milk is for humans, plus its filled with pus and faeces. So you should really just be getting human milk from a woman who is eating a perfect diet or should just drink water once you wean from human milk and get your nutrients from food which is nutritionally depleted from our dead soil that is picked before being ripe and that has been transported half way across the world so any little amount of nutrients in them are long dead.
Nancy, thank you for some intelligent information. Knowing that the human species are the only mammals that drink milk after the age of two, it certainly never bothered me to stop drinking milk years ago (also, didn’t care for it as a beverage). Calcium can also be obtained from plant sources. Additionally, I just want to mention the allergy factor with dairy products that so many children (and adults) have been subjected to, unbeknownst by their parents.
Your posting, after re-reading, is a bit contradictory (?). Milk is full of pus and feces, yet one should get nutrition from dead soil without nutrients, transported . . . ?
ICS, or Irony Comprehension Syndrome, affects millions of Americans.
Thanks to early diagnosis programs present in middleschools, most of these people find productive work as accountants, programmers, and proofreaders that allow them to socialize with communities of other ICS sufferers. Interacting with the dynamic world of the Internet, however, can pose a unique problem since often irony masquerades serious commentary (e.g. the popular satire site “The Onion”) and offers no social queues such as hand gestures, rolled eyeballs, or exaggerated vocal tones.
Next time you think of writing a piece of satire, think not of the many who will laugh, but of the few who will suffer in struggling confusion, unsure of how to take your words: those who will credulously repeat your “obviously” exaggerated claims, who will argue your “clearly” over-the-top conclusions, painstakingly follow your “ridiculous” advice, and carefully research your “absurd” facts.
VJ, I understood her “satire” after I re-read it (it’s not a good to speed read, then comment, and also noticed the poor grammar the first time), but this type of tongue-in-cheek humor normally follows a direction, and maybe it’s just because she’s a bad writer, it was confusing and contradictory, so it just did not seem funny, nor made sense.
Thanks for your insight. I do agree with your perception of Internet writing.
good idea, not a good.
This is so Jonathan Swift, “A Modest Proposal” -ish. I wonder if Swift would have received the same ridiculous criticism to the obvious cynical tone in his writing.
So funny and so true. You could make yourself crazy with all the “information” out there.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE write the same kind of article about “parenting”! =D
You are over-simplifying the problem and making light of a global monopoly on food you are irresponsible and cynical in your analysis. Wasted time reading this.
We can all be thankful the global monopoly on food did not force you to read it. I know when I go into my garden, Big Brother makes sure I clock in and out, so Big Food (and Big Pharma, Big Auto, and Big Wal-Mart) can all keep track of my habits. Can’t be freely gardening or else I’ll be irresponsible, too!
Hilarious and SOOOOO TRUE!!!!
Brilliant. This is what I needed to read. Thank you for summing it all up! Its getting out of control and I have experienced almost everything. lol!!!
Have to say.
Excellent reading!
No kidding….I have oxalate kidney stones and seem to be a factory for them. My goal in life is to make them valuable. Hell pearls are expensive and they are made my clams who can’t kidney stones that are painfully formed by humans not be worth a fortune?????
Also I use to raise bunnies as meat for my dog and cat. The dog grew so fond of the bunnies that she started refusing to eat the bunny meat. She does love her species species specific raw food, bone and organ diet though! Just not bunnies. Now the cat on the other hand would rather hunt the bunnies and bring them home to eat. She is a boss like that!
Loved the article!
“i read it on a blog!” i love it! a nice thorough post. good stuff.
I don’t know who is funnier, the author of this article or the people commenting!!! BTW, It was a very funny read. And, yes I am one of those people that do not eat meat, try to find all organic foods, even if it means ordering on-line, I research daily! I boycott Monsanto and friends, even his organic friends! I am an obsessed Foodie. But, for goodness sakes have a sense of humor! 🙂
OK this was great but wrong in the idea that “healthy eating” has to be so hard and boring!!!
You don’t have to BUY activa because it is pretty simple to make your own FRESH yogurt made from almonds and coconut water. By doing this, you won’t need any meat because the nutrients you get from the yogurt YOU MADE, are over 15g of protein, amino acids, B12, vitamins a, e, c, and a bunch of needed minerals.
Then, its just about being aware of what you are eating and when buying packaged foods to read the labels. No High Fructose Corn Syrup and NO natural/artificial flavoring are the sources to look for and NOT purchase. Healthy eating is not hard or expensive, it just takes commitment and a positive attitude to do so. You want to never get sick again? Stop drinking acidic water and look into getting alkaline water. If that is impossible, utilize some filtered water with some fresh lemon which will then ALKALIZE THE WATER. Get your body’s Ph alkaline and all will be awesome.
Period.
For more information on how freakin easy eating Clean can be, visit my website!
I love you.
Oh my goodness. You described my life. This is so good because it is so true. The oxalate thing about did me in completely. Great piece of writing.
LOVED this!! Can’t believe how serious some of the comments are. Sense of humor missing much!?!? This was SO funny and spot on.
I’m cracking up. People your missing the point. Stuff is so unhealthy the only way to know is research and get a degree. If you grow it you even need filters etc. wish we had a actual government that cared…
….I am still laughing.
Brilliant. Every bit as funny as P. G. Wodehouse. Oh, the angst!
Soylent Green is People!
Great article. Please pass the cracklin’s and the bacon drippin’s to go with my kale.
This is really great. I laughed out loud multiple times thinking back to conversations I’ve had or read on countless blogs…some levity is always appreciated.
Not even kidding my last visit to the Dr. she did recommend live culture yogurt…wth
Now that’s funny.
While the article is humorous enough…the truth is poignant. Reality check: Grow your own damn food.
I wrote it. Kale has barely an oxalic acid but I LOVE this blog!
This is brilliant! Sharing it with all my friends (and my mom).
“Ignorance is bliss.” 🙂
This is pretty funny. i think a few people took it a little too seriously/personally and others saw the sarcasm and wit that was intended. Ultimately, I think we’re all a little torn on the right way to eat and when to feel guilty and when to realize that your kids won’t die a slow death by macaroni and cheese. I waffle between organic collared green and takeout, worry about which fish is okay to eat, and hide veggies in my kids meatballs (yes I feed my kids animal products!) and I found this post to be very entertaining and relevant to the world we live in. Just eat your veggies people. there’s a start.
This is a FANTASTIC article!!! Hilarious and so true. I’m exhausted trying to keep up with the ‘best’ choices- which all seem to have something wrong with them! Thanks for the laugh!
Totally! What are you suppose to eat!
tooo true – i’m seriously sick from eating too healthy and always trying to decipher what’s best for my body. blended sprouts and kale in everything, 80% alkaline, vegetable based – blah blah blah. I’ve been doing this for years and look tired, my mind always occupied with how I can maximize my nutrition. meanwhile the girl across the street is eating doritos and drinking a Coke and looks happy and her skin looks luminous. Too much conflicting, convincing, sales driven information – no intuition left. I’m drained.
As an article outlining the contridictive ridiculousness of information available to the public on the topic of dieting and healthy eating, this is an A+ review. I couldn’t stop laughing because I have read, and heard many of these pointers on healthy eating, and actually found myself asking “well, what the heck CAN I eat then?” I enjoyed the humor of imagining the lengths in which one would have to go to follow all the “nutritional advice” out there. Great read, really enjoyed it!
Love this! I am putting this on my favorites list. I could not stop laughing. I read healthy living blogs from time to time and everyone hops from bandwagon to bandwagon, …..vegetarian….vegan vegetarian…raw food vegetarian…a fruit….the banana diet….raw meat (A few of them went this route)…cooked meat…..lots of cooked meat and liver…no beans…..no grains….no fun…. I swear if some skinny model came up with eat your own boogers 5 times a day with regular meals diet and drink cow’s blood with one meal and if she swore it was the way she stayed so think a bunch of HLBs would jump on board and we’d be subjected to horrifying photos pf mason jars filled with blood and plates filled with boogers.
I am always interested in reading the latest research and reading what the latest pseudo guru says as well. I think it basically comes down to eat lots of colorful vegetables-some raw, some cooked, eat some fruits of various colors, have good sources of lean protein, include healthy fats like olive oil and avocado, stick to whole grains, but don’t over do it especially with arsenic rice. The only major bandwagon that I found quite helpful is gluten free. Worked wonders for belly aches and other issues.
I LOVE this article!!! This was one of the best things I have read about the whole food debate (pun intended)- so funny and it described my recent research to a T. My sister-in-law and mother-in-law are on board with the no-glutton wagon. They are as skinny as poles, and we all know skinny equals healthy right? I, on the other hand, feel like a fat slob who can not seem to “look” healthy no matter what I eat, but I might not see any progress except in the long run?
This article came to me after a 30-day greens challenge- yes- a lot of kale. Plus tips on how to ferment things (I lol-ed at the virgin tears and new moon). I didn’t loose any weight and felt pretty much the same after the whole challenge. I really needed a laugh over the whole thing so I thank you.
Maybe a sequel on raw milk, different types of sugars (or maybe no sugar EVER?!?), water, and what this stress does to those of us who this isn’t a save all?
…just buy kale lower in oxalic acid. Different types have different amounts. To remove most of it, boil it for about 5 minutes. Pretty simple. Conscious eating is a step toward healthier eating.
I did enjoy your article, though. Everyone needs a little criticism once in a while, especially diet extremists.
I fully realize that the seal liver thing was intended as wonderful bit of hyperbole. But this is ironically one of very few meats that will kill you outright due to lethal levels of vitamin A.
this is my most favorite article. ever.
Soooo funny. I needed that. I’m breastfeeding my little girl and trying to keep my diet as “clean” as possible. Trying to make the healthiest food for myself, my husband and my daughter without slip-slip-sliding down the “nothing’s-good-enough-for-my-diet” chute. Sorry. It’s not a diet, its a “lifestyle.”
Thanks a ton! This is definitely an amazing site!
I loved this article–it hit so close to home! I can really relate–I go to the store and there is nothing I feel I can buy! I must say I am coming back around to the moderation route…I need to eat more than kale. I loved the humor in the article, and I really think it hits on a more serious issue of food confusion leading me to feel paralyzed when I go to the store. I want to feel good about nourishing myself and my family, but the conflicting information makes it so challenging!