In an attempt to revive slumping RoundUp sales, Monsanto today announced it would begin serving RoundUp based mixed drinks in the high-end cafeteria of the company’s St, Louis, MO based corporate headquarters.
Monsanto’s bold announcement comes on the heels of Monsanto supporter and scientist Dr. Patrick Moore insisting Monsanto’s broad spectrum herbicide RoundUp was safe enough to drink.
“You can drink a whole quart of it and it won’t hurt you,” Moore claimed in an interview with French television station Canal+.
“You want to drink some? We have some here,” asked the reporter.
“I’d be happy to, actually,” Moore replied, before backtracking. “Not really. But I know it wouldn’t hurt me.”
“If you say so, I have some,” the interviewer pressed, offering Moore a glass.
“I’m not stupid,” Moore said, refusing to drink the glyphosphate-based herbicide or continue the interview.
Moore’s refusal to drink RoundUp has gone viral and led to a rash of negative PR for the agricultural giant already facing a tough start to 2015.
The World Health Organization recently concluded that glyphosate is a probable human carcinogen, and Monsanto corporate earnings are down 34% in the first quarter 2015.
Monsanto has fervently denied the WHOs conclusions that RoundUp is tied to cancer, and is pushing the non-profit health agency for the United Nations to retract their conclusion.
The biotech giant says it can prove RoundUp is safe – and is encouraging employees to enjoy it in cocktails at the new Monsanto bar.
Monsanto Media Relations Director Laura Carthillman issued this statement today:
The existing science is clear. Knowledgeable scientists and countless studies funded by Monsanto agree: glyphosate is harmless. There is no doubt that RoundUp is safe enough to drink.
That’s why everyone here at Monsanto is so excited to announce a new addition to our corporate cafeteria!
Called GlyFunSpace, this 21-and-over corporate campus addition will serve a full line of custom mixed drinks, all featuring the highest quality organic and locally sourced ingredients, small-batch premium spirits and RoundUp full spectrum herbicide.
The entire Monsanto cocktail development team has been hard at work testing our RoundUp Ready Cocktails.
It’s been an exciting project here at HQ, and we’re thrilled to show that glyphosate isn’t just a great chemical for killing pernicious weeds – it’s also a delicious addition to your happy hour!
But not everyone thinks GlyFunSpace is so fun.
Stuard Mansonite, a former Monsanto Biotech Engineer and now outspoken critic of the company, harshly criticized the announcement: “Encouraging people to drink glyphosate is a reckless, desperate PR stunt typical of a company that consistently puts profit before everything else, including the safety of their own workers.”
RoundUp Ready Cocktails from GlyFunSpace
In follow-up questioning, Carthillman shared a few of her favorite RoundUp based cocktails, now available to Monsanto Employees at GlyFunSpace:
The Credit Extender
The perfect addition to any south-of-the-border meal, this potent combination of tequila, mezcal and agave syrup is muddled with RoundUp-infused sweet corn. At GlyFunSpace The Credit Extender is often ordered alongside organic corn chips and guacamole, but Carthillman recommends it with carne asada.
Due to problems with over-service, this drink can only be purchased with cash. Bartenders will also sell it in trade for the black-market harvestable organs of your children.
The Genetic Drift
Organic, Non-GMO Project verified vodka with organic cucumber water and mint. Served with a shot glass of RoundUp concentrate on the side, it’s custom at GlyFunSpace to order a round of these drinks for a group.
According to Carthillman, this has rapidly become a favorite of Monsanto corporate executives, who yell “Genetic Drift!” and drop the shot glass into the vodka and cucumber drink before gulping down the whole concoction as quickly as possible. The loser in this race to the bottom (of the glass) buys the next round.
The Indian Bankrupter
A true artisan drink, and Carthillman’s personal favorite, The Indian Bankrupter is both familiar and exotic. It starts with muddled fresh turmeric, lime and gin, and is finished with RoundUp and house-made tonic. Bartenders garnish this drink with a pickled cardamon pod and a few drops of the blood of Vandana Shiva.
GlyFunSpace, in keeping with Monsanto headquarters security standards, is not open to the public.
In related news, Monsanto just announced it’s genetic development team is focused on development of RoundUp Ready Barley, RoundUp Ready Rye, RoundUp Ready Agave, RoundUp Ready Hops, RoundUp Ready Cabernet Sauvignon grapes, and RoundUp Ready Glacier Spring Water.1
Help me out Erica, I can’t tell whether the joke begins below or above the “Indian Bankrupter”.
Hah! Well, the craziness about the guy not drinking RoundUp at the top is real, but everything else is all April Fool’s Satire. 🙂 I hope.
Lol, good one! A lighthearted spin on what is normally a heavy topic…
… have to remind myself it’s April Fools Day. Need more coffee.
Gingi Freeman says
Is this serious??! It sound like something you’d find on The Onion.. I hope to God this is just satire, otherwise Monsanto has dipped down to an unfathomable low! Just WOW.
Anyhoo, love the blog. Keep in touch, yeah? – http://www.domesticgeekgirl.com
You’re good. I think I made it to The Credit Extender before slapping my forehead.
HA! So good. Not the only one with this idea today though – http://appliedeco.org/roundup-ready-cocktails-mixed-drinks-with-mixed-effects/
Tom Kaye says
This spoof is wonderful. And great minds think alike on April 1st. Check out our similar minded post here:
Lol! though I would not be surprised if Monsanto did such a thing.
Took me a sec!
I remember back in the early ’80’s when the state department of agriculture was aerial spraying for Mediterranean Fruit flies in the Cali Bay Area. One of the mid-level mgmt types drank part of a quart of Malathion on the air. Not sure if he is still alive… These weakling Monsanto types just can’t compete! Drink the kool aid, dude!
It’d be fabulous if they’d all start drinking their own ‘koolaid’…Darwin at his finest!
Heather Mulholland says
hahah nicely done!
Kitty Sharkey says
I actually caught on to something fishy when I hit the part about “eaturing the highest quality organic and locally sourced ingredients, small-batch premium spirits and RoundUp full spectrum herbicide.”
Um… wait a minute… Wouldn’t they want to use RoundUp treated ingredients? Oh, Erica!!!
Nicole S. says
Too funny! I bet you had a lot of fun writing this one!
Jan Novak says
You had me there for a solid minute 🙂
Not that I’m trying to be a stick in the mud negative Nellie here.. but..
As a woman/mother/grandmother who is constantly battling with a spouse to stop buying roundup, yet ignores my pleas & does so anyway. I just can’t bring myself to think of this as being funny/a joke/April fools you silly gullible people, as it is far from it. I can say for a fact if my spouse read/s this post he would print it out and wave it in my face while saying, ” see! I told you it was harmless.”
Haha, Erica! Very clever Onionlike piece!
Loved it! (Yuck!! Reminds me of glowinthedark Gatorade!)
Just received this meeting summary report from the Lancet Oncology folks – not sure if you’ve seen it, but it’s a good summary of recent global research into pesticides and herbicides: (scary)
Keep doing what you do ~ you’re so good for us all!