87 ways to remineralize your teeth. Oil pulling! Toxins! Oil Pulling For Toxins! Is sitting the new smoking? Herbal remedies for sitting THEY don’t want you to know about. Scientists discover the shocking reason why the Masai never get frostbite.
The 92 items to NEVER eat at a salad bar if you want to correct your blood pH. Shocking new research on gut microbiomes of hunter gathers proves: it’s not just the same ol’ shit.
Sugar is more addictive than heroin and more toxic than alcohol. Is your cookie a silent killer? Scientists say YES!
This everyday mother did something miraculous – by being an everyday French mom. French women are better moms than you. In fact, the French are better at everything than you are, you pathetic piece of merde.
10 surprising foods ____________
- you should never eat. Literally, never.
- that are banned in Europe but allowed in the US.
- that cause massive belly fat literally overnight.
- that contain killer trans-fats.
- guaranteed to make your dick rock hard.
- that heal cancer without drugs.
- that will literally kill you (#8 was a total shock! I can’t believe I’ve been eating that literally every day!)
Gluten sensitive? Inject these 45 blood parasites and enjoy pizza and pasta again! Candida overgrowth? Fecal transplant microbiology stacks primitive healing secrets with blood type diet and next wave research. By 3:17, I was amazed!
How to make glow-in-the-dark magnesium body paint for natural healing while at tantric yoga sex raves.
All cures are possible with THIS essential oil blend based on the bible unless you vaccinate in which case, TOXINS.
Big Pharma. Weston A Price. GAPS. Candida. Mic Drop.
The media tells you who to love, who to hate, who to be afraid of. (It’s organic wildcrafted nettle tea, Walmart and Monsanto. Respectively.)
Food companies exploit Americans with toxic bananas the EU would never accept. Shocking industry report reveals methyl and ethyl esters and butanoic acid in strawberries. What are these secret hidden chemicals doing to YOU?
(Oh, don’t give me that crap about how all food is literally chemicals. That’s exactly what THEY want you to think. Next you’ll tell me carbon is somehow organic, right? ::eyeroll:: When you leave the matrix, let me know.)
These 6 PROVEN cancer curing foods are finally available as supplements because cancer doesn’t have to mean you give up on convenience. Our affiliate sponsor partner sells supplements <ASTERISK> that will save you loads of money on doctors.
Medical care is antibiotics, health care is zucchini. Everything is backwards. Flip it, Z to A, and change your life. THINK ABOUT IT.
Raw goji berry kale pemmican – NATURE’S fast food. Just dehydrate 47 hours at exactly 99.3 degrees to maintain a healing enzymatic profile. True health has never been more convenient.
Paleo, pilates, pallets. (God, those hipsters love alliteration, amirite?)
One shocking everyday food cures anemia, DNA damage, hearing loss, hypertension, miscarriage, heart disease, and influenza. (Big Food does NOT want you to see this!)
These 6 corporations control nearly everything you buy – be afraid because <advertising revenue>. The shocking truth about Costco! The deadly truth about Monsanto! The disturbing truth about vaccines! The myth-busting truth about Candida! The terrifying truth about microwaves! The soylenty truth about soy!
USDA bans growing your own food – are Government Food Gestapo coming to YOUR town next? Only the US allows kids under the age of 11 to watch television – should TV be banned here too?!
Adrenal fatigue and candida – The 38 secrets you REALLY need to know. This prescription drug kills more people than heroin and hash browns combined. Follow the money – who profits from YOUR pain? THINK ABOUT IT.
Delicious, healing homemade kombucha and raw birth placenta green smoothie bowl! Nom, nom, nom!
(What do you mean, “can you make it with store-bought kombucha?” You buy your ‘booch? Is it that you literally don’t care about your health, or are you just a lazy asshole? Hey, wait a sec….asshole! We could totally ferment that!)
26 ways to work Probiotic Rich Pickled Asshole into every meal.
Medical Marijuana.
Autism.
Gluten.
Toxins.
Subscribe and get your FREE report on how Candida is literally killing you right now.
<as seen on Dr. Oz.>
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Brilliant! Snort laughing…
Funny. Click-bait, gotta love it.
This was the first email that I opened, pre-coffee and beary-eyed. I had to read it for 2-3 minutes before my brain kicked in, I started over, and nearly woke the rest of the household laughing out loud. I love that ascerbic wit that you have! Oh wait… does that cause cancer? I think I read an article about the high rate of cancer among writers who sit while writing…
I send the first, even more aggressively random version of this post to a good friend a week or so ago with the heading, “is this funny?” She wrote back, “Uh, have you been hacked?” 🙂
Thank you. I’m so glad I’m not the only one overwhelmed by this stuff, I had social anxiety after being grilled in a conversation about diet the other day, WTH?
Yeah, it’s true – there are many things wrong with our food system. But just remember: these headlines exist to make you afraid, so you will click, and the site making you hyperventilate will get ad revenue. Don’t buy into it.
Thank You!
Shoulda, Woulda, Think I Candida!
Story of how copious captain crunch chronicles, led to my Candida colony confidence and semi-colon scope creep bacteria toxin lorem clicksome.
omigod, you’re the bomb!
Everything about the above makes me re-think considering myself crunchy half the time. And any time I see someone post an article from Natural News it makes me want to puke.
Common sense has been lost.
Writing this post required a lot of research on the Natural News site. And by “research,” I mean changing their headlines to be more believable.
Hilarious! I love it.
No wonder orthorexia is becoming common. Stop the world I want to get off.
You just synthesized my inbox into one post. Freaking awesome.
Terrifying, isn’t it?
That is so true!
Fecal Transplant Microbiology. I am killed and dying!
An actual thing believe it or not.
Perfect.
This wins. SO happy right now … 😀
But what if French pickled candida really IS the cure for cancer?!! 😉
Right?
This post reflects a good portion of my facebook feed, each and every day. It’s exhausting. Thanks for surfacing just how pervasive these “articles” are.
Here, I can help with that. 😉
Did you read the Gawker article on the Food Babe today? You will LOVE it.
LOL, fantastic.
Also snort laughing! OMG thank you especially for this:
This everyday mother did something miraculous – by being an everyday French mom. French women are better moms than you. In fact, the French are better at everything than you are, you pathetic piece of merde.
I love this blog!! Back to reading and snorting now.
French women le snort better than us. Just FYI.
This is like the best spam e-mail ever. 🙂
What have you got for chemtrails?
You mean Mind Control Mist (TM)?
Indeed! The interwebs are so full of it. But I am pleased to report that I do not receive any spam emails telling me what one thing not to eat. Instead I get the ones advertising Russian brides. I wonder what I’m doing wrong…?
Now THAT’S funny.
To funny, a few years ago the market manager asked me to teach a class at the farmers market from the perspective of just a regular home cook, we didnt do the greatest job promoting it and one person showed up , ok fine I don’t need a big audience, 2 min into class I realized that my 1 student was one of these anti everything zombies , needless to say I didn’t get to realy teach anything but sure learned some scary stuff from her. You totally missed the trader Joe’s conspiracy btw but that may be the same as the Costco one? Oh and candida is one letter more than Canada, this can’t be just a coincidence you do know that 88% of their population lives right on our border!?
Oversharing here, but I’m terminally ill with congenital heart disease (note: not looking for sympathy; it is what it is and I’ve dealt with it. Life is about living, not dying). Because if this I get BOMBARDED with this sort of stuff, usually from well-meaning yet clueless in-laws or readers of my work. My favorite so far is how “having my aura readjusted” will cure my CHD. How this would physically move malformed tissue I’ll never know…
This is perfection.
Hahhaha, love it!
And now… water shortage! Don’t eat almonds! Or any nuts. Or chocolate! Or beef! Or vegetables!
Also, I recently decided to watch movies like “Food Inc.”, etc. I curled up on the couch and couldn’t stomach anything. Then I wanted some ice cream. Then I ate it. A lot of it.
After reading ALL the studies done by ALL the renowned research clinics in the world I have come to the conclusion that if I followed ALL their advice and never drank coffee ( Coffee lowers life expectancy 50%) , never ate bananas ( Bananas cause belly fat and 80 % of people with belly fat die) , grew 10 more inches ( short people have a 50% increase in heart disease), and avoided chocolate ( tannins in chocolate clog your kidneys) I’d never die. But who in their right mind wants to live without chocolate?
You got me there! Because of this lovely post filled with essential information I’m subscribing to your newsletter! I wouldn’t want to miss out on this kind of wisdom ever.
By the way, you do know that we Swedish moms are even better than the french don’t you? 😉
Erica, I seriously love you. Like seriously. 🙂
I absolutely loved this, thought I was looking at my FaceBook feed. You know I actually had a relative bombard my emails (because I wouldn’t pick up the phone anymore) with how I was going to kill myself treating my HepAtities C with Interferon and Riboviron. He said it could be done with habanero peppers. The same person years later had another relative bombard me (since I have let that email drop and he doesn’t have my new one) with the same ‘cure’ for my husband’s Multiple Myeloma.
This stuff is laughable and funny, but when it touches so close to home and people are looking/wanting or needing something to help it becomes criminal. Preying on the weak or desperate with false hopes is beyond low.
And, don’t get me started on the French. I tried so hard to learn the language and I was hopeless, plus I worked with a French (actually Parisian, there is a difference) who was always effortlessly thin, well dressed and practically perfect. I have had a major inferiority complex since then. It goes so far I won’t even drink French wine, so there!
Laughed so hard I almost choked on my mass produced grocery store coffee. I guess that stuff the Big Corporations mercilessly markets to all of us innocent unsuspecting folks really IS dangerous!
On the other hand, without my morning cuppa, I’m dangerous… 😉
Sign me up!!! 😉
Erica you are awesome! Thanks for keeping it real! Have a great day :0)
Sigh. This is indeed my inbox/news feed. Makes me want to go spray some glyphosate on the weeds taking over my driveway.
Hahaha, this is great! Add pregnancy to the list and that’s pretty much my life right now…you better watch out for EVERYTHING or else it’ll cause cancer! Thanks for the laugh!