Starting about a month ago our drake (that’s the boy duck), regrew his penis in expectation of spectacular spring-time twitterpation. Oh, you didn’t know ducks lose their penis every year and regrow them? Yeah, duck-keeping is an education like that.
Go ahead and watch this. I’ll wait.
Okay, are you back?
Holy crap, am I right?
Anyway, when the drake’s penis grew back for the spring mate, he went from mild-mannered good poultry citizen to would-be-serial-chicken-rapist.
The female ducks have the capacity to handle his advances. They get all head bobby with him, and even seem to enjoy their morning mountings in the pond. (Well, they don’t swim away and they groom themselves after, which is probably as much as a drake can hope for.)
The hens? Not so much. First of all, there’s the size difference. The ducks don’t look that much larger than the chickens until you see one atop the other. The 30% to 40% weight difference becomes quite apparent.
Then there’s the aggression. The hens have no interest in being mounted by a boy duck, but the “any hole is a good hole” drake doesn’t care. If he can nab them, grab them and hold them down, he’ll mate them.
Most concerning is old fashioned anatomy. If a drake starts getting all chicken-humpy he can actually kill a hen. You see, roosters don’t have penis parts, so hens have no place to…um…receive a penetrating poultry organ.
I feel uncomfortable now. I’m sorry if you do too.
This is awkward.
But if you’re a chicken, it’s more than awkward, it’s potentially fatal. A drake’s advances can result in severe internal organ damage to a chicken because his fun-sausage has nowhere to go except up her vent. And that vent is supposed to be a one-way street.
When the first hen-pinning was noticed, we scrambled to separate the ducks from the chickens and I’m glad to say, so far we’ve been successful at maintaining our poultry barriers.
In the morning, the ducks get let out of the run and the chickens stay in, much to their chagrin. The drake will hump the ducks, fly a victory lap around the mini pond, eat slugs for awhile, and then wander back to the chicken coop and circle menacingly, trying to nab a lady chicken through the fence.
It’s all very icky, to be frank. We adore our ducks, but there’s no denying that the drake’s natural male urges are throwing off the poultry mojo around here.
There comes a learning curve in every naive urban homesteader’s life when a sissy, girly-drink cocktail isn’t gonna cut it. That’s when you reach for whiskey.
Whiskey is the drink to have when you aren’t quite sure if you are celebrating or commiserating.
When your achievement for the week is keeping your chickens from getting penis shivved, but the drake is still out there, you drink whiskey. When your laptop completely dies 36 hours before your book manuscript is due, but you still get it in on time, you drink whiskey. When your kid decides 1:00 am is his new normal wake up time, but you’re fully stocked on coffee, you drink coffee. And then, later, you drink whiskey.
For all these reasons and a few more, this Friday, friends, I drink whiskey.
Simple Whiskey
Ingredients
- Whiskey
- Ice or Water (optional)
- Good music, good friends and good judgement
Method
You know what to do.
108
Well, I guess you do learn something new every day. Not sure if this is what I wanted to learn for today, but there it is. Thanks, Erica?
Hah! Sorry Mary.
That’s about the funniest thing I’ve ever read. The video was great, too. I think I’ll have a whiskey.
Ze Frank, the “True Facts” guy, absolutely cracks me up.
This is what I woke up to in my Inbox. That is hilarious! So glad I decided to keep away from the foulfowl keeping. But if you need emergency drinking supplies, let me know. You have earned it!
Thanks Joan! Sorry for the early AM poultry anatomy lesson. 😉
A good ratio is 3:1 ducks to drake, and if he’s really uh-hem active and acting more like rapist, he might need a few more ducks to keep him occupied. Who couldn’t use more ducks anyway, right? Their eggs are freakin delicious. We never lost any of our hens to drake rape, although we did have a drake try and mount one of our hens. He had his eye nearly pecked out and never tried it again.
That’s my thinking too. It might be just doubling down on the crazy, but with a few more females we could increase the genetic diversity in our duck-line, too. At this point, we want to keep the ducks and hens separate anyway, which means very limited free range time for the hens. That means the sustainable number of chickens in our flock has to come down….which means more room for ducks? Am I just justifying at this point? I don’t even know any more. 😀
Erica, do you have any good resources for procuring more adult (or at least not itty-bitty, vulnerable ducklings) female anconas? Our males are also getting rather…excited…about spring, and we would love to have more females for eggs, and I don’t know if the ladies really want to wait until eggs hatch and grow up.
Thank you!
Boondockers Farm near Portland is where we we got our adult birds. I’d get in touch with them if you are in that general area. I don’t know anyone who mails adult ducks. I don’t know if you can do that – probably not, I’d guess.
…..and here I was thinking I wanted ducks instead of chickens…..
To be fair, I still love my ducks more than the chickens. But this has been a learning curve.
I bet!
“Penis shivved” = coffee through my nose -no joke (it was worth it though)
It is always entertaining to observe the reaction of people to the duck penis. It is fairly amazing/terrifying as far as animal penises go, at least from the biologist point of view. Hope your chickens will not suffer any more of his amorous advances. More ducks might not be a bad idea, but I have no idea how many you are allowed to have in your city limits… I have no idea where to find out that information in my own residence either. The internet has failed!
Oh. My. God ! The phrase “you learn something new every day” comes to mind – I think that this one was mine for about the next week and a half!! Thanks for the video …
Erica, I don’t blame you for taking to the whiskey – I, myself, would have ingested about a quart after dealing with the duck/chicken situation.
But Nature is wonderful but mighty strange … to continue the gift of laughter, here’s the link to a Tumblr blog called WTF, Evolution?! http://wtfevolution.tumblr.com/ Corkscrew duck penises should definitely be on that list!
OMG! You’ve brought back the memories of when my roommate was raising baby bunnies in the house. Those baby boys hit puberty and the cats learned to live on the kitchen counter tops and the top of the refrigerator!! There is nothing funny about horny bunnies. I’m sure the cats would have liked a glass of whiskey too!
Barb
When I was a kid, like 5 or 6, my family had a massive pet duck called Billy Idol. He would hold ourchickens heads under the water until they stopped struggling. I don’t recall what happened to him eventually, but I doubt it was pleasant.
Ha! We had a rooster we named Billy Idle because of his bleached blond spiky head feathers on a dark blue black body. Not the most fabulous personality but at least he wasn’t murderous … and he was a very cool looking dude.
This is the funniest thing I’ve read in months. Thank you so much for sharing! Your writing style literally made my Friday. 🙂
Basil Hayden, nice choice. Thank you for sharing; it will help me reason with my husband who has decided that ducks are the next big thing (for us).
Thanks for the morning laugh! The video was chuckle-worthy, but your post is even funnier.
We had a gorgeous Australorp rooster who terrorized the chickens. He became dinner. Egg production went waaay up after his demise.
Well…… Whisky in my coffee this morning it is then. It just feels right now, lol. *things that make you go hmmmmmmm*
Oh, god. Please don’t ever stop blogging. You have such a special way with words. It may take me a while to recover from this post.
This was very enlightening. It also brought back a memory from many years ago when I had a couple chickens and ducks. This was the early 80’s in Hawaii. My second daughter was about 2 years old at the time and she hated to wear clothes. She was running around the yard the my drake tried to mount her! He ended up scraping her back with his claws. When my husband got home from work he smashed the drake’s head in with a golf club. This also brings to mind that geese are strong enough to break a man’s leg with their wings. I don’t recall if I took to drink that day…
You kids with your short memories who forgot all about Erica’s commitment to NO NEW ANIMALS. 😀
Also, best recipe ever. One I use frequently.
There is information you want to share widely and information you don’t know what to do with, duck penises fall somewhere in between.
My Mom and I were at a park once when the ducks were getting frisky and Mom made us leave because of the gang-rape nature of the scene. Mom will definitely get this post in email.
I’m off to the liquor cabinet for lunch.
Oh. My. God. I had no idea! If I were working from home today I would be adding some whiskey to my coffee right now. Just reading about it is enough to inspire that! Best blog post ever. Great choice of whiskey. Erica for the win!
I think you’re supposed to give the whiskey to the hens, not drink it yourself.
OMG. How can I have kept poultry for years and read all sorts of books and not know this. And I am so ashamed definitely not very sensitive at my house. Have always called my roosters cocky, how cruel and un-PC. But naming a penis-less bird a wood pecker? Seriously!
I’ve heard expressions that included ducks, but I didn’t realize they were true. Thank you for the enlightening.
I was wondering why this hadn’t come up with your ducks! Our neighbors had two drakes and no female ducks and those drakes were constantly gang raping the chickens. Even when they were seperated, they would still grab the hens heads through the fence and abuse them. The chickens were not smart enough to stay away from the fence. They finally had to go to freezer camp. It kind of turned me off to the whole duck thing.
A great post. I learned a lot!
This may seem like an insensitive question, but why not pair the drake with a female, and sell the pair, and maybe get another female? Unless you are raising ducklings, there isn’t really a reason to keep a drake….just a thought…
Well I’m going back to your diy herbal tea post and read that a few dozen times and try and forget this post. I’ll not be able to look at ducks the same.
The dooder that did the duck video did one on Owls and it is, pardon the pun, a real HOOT!!
Time for a whiskey me thinks….
You just made my day Erica. Its really not funny bc the poor hens but I am laughing hard…maybe its the whiskey. The best part about roosters not having external sexual parts is how big their testicles get inside their chest! First time we butchered a full grown rooster (which makes a wonderful coq a Vin) I blushed at the size of those nuts. Serious business.
Cheers to your manuscript!
Loved it, thought i was the only one having troubles with my drake lol he has killed 5 pullets in the past from his amouros doings , he is a black runner and very well bred so thoughts of rehoming were dismissed and all hens relocated away from him 😉 i had a prob with a Muscovey once he mated a duck got off with his lonnngggg appendage dragging and the chooks chased it and ate half of it off lol
Best recipe ever. Just like mom used to make!
I’m still snorting!! I got my anconas from Boondockers and last year discovered just how awful drakes can be! I had four drakes and 3 hens out of the sevens I got as starters. Two of the drakes wound up in freezer camp, one was taken by a hawk, and the only one that survived had been injured as a 6 week old duckling and was the smallest of the lot. He actually has manners. He doesn’t chase the hens non-stop – he only mates in the water and he’s not rough like the others were (and that was true when he only had 3 hens.) Of course, it helps that he now has 11 hens. I always tell everyone that I have eleven hens and a very tired drake. He will die of old age…..
I love your blog and am awaiting your book with bated breath. I live on the coast and find most of the stuff you blog about is either stuff I’m already doing or am going to try. Keep on keepin’ on!
Have had a multitude of various foul over the years & had almost forgotten the nefarious sexcapades of the duck ! ( Damn back into therapy I go what time does the liquor store close today? )
Oh, so glad you are working out the ‘duck’ ‘kinks’ 🙂 If anyone can strategize a way to minimize/manage the ‘ick’, for the urban ‘farmer,’ it is you! And I’m also heartened that you value the duck pluses.
I know you’ve got BSF on your (probably way too long) list, and biochar is probably on there, along with feed sprouting. The trailer for the new ‘Permaculture Chickens’ DVD that is currently on Kickstarter reminded me of that angle.
Soooooo much fun stuff! Thanks again and again, Erica 🙂 And I see that you’ve got your own thread on Permies.com! (Maybe there’s ‘hope’… if you get my drift… after all. ox 😉
Sitting here a little depressed. Opened up my email…your post. By far…the funniest post I have ever read. I almost peed my pants. Almost doesn’t count though…right? lol. My adopted Puerto Rican street dog is always trying to hump my couch pillows when she doesn’t get enough attention and I thought that was bad! OMG…I would not be able to handle all that action going on in my yard. Yes…go ahead and drink your whiskey…you earned it..and have one for me because unfortunately..I cannot drink. Please keep writing and I will never unsubscribe.lol. I love everything you write and your sense of humor never quits. Who needs an anti-depressant when they can sign up for your emails? Best thing since bubble gum!
Great bit of writing!
Yeah, I got three muscovy ducks for slug patrol in my yard last summer. They were supposed to be three females, but one turned out to be a fellow. I tired quickly of his aggression toward the girls, remembering (sigh….) years back when I had free-roaming ducks AND chickens, and how the male ducks made the whole small farm start looking like a prison riot—noise, running, quack-ling, feathers everywhere, mattress fires. One fine fall day, I gathered up all the male ducks and put them in a cardboard box. And let the whole mess of the gang-rape riot squad loose at the pond in front of Bob’s Red Mill. Sorry, Bob.
We have two ducks now. The sweet girls. We won’t discuss the boy. Any. More.
Love this post. Pretty close to TMI but funny as all get out. Will be forwarding it to all the people who keep asking when we will get ducks because the eggs are supposed to be fantastic. So many things I never would have imagined about (no longer) cute little duckies. Love your writing so please keep em’ coming 🙂
WHY isn’t the drake in a pen during his mating season?
New here. I have lived on a farm my entire life and did not know about roosters being, well, um, er, penisless.
Excuse me while I go drink whiskey.
Thank you for your blog. That’s too funny. I did not know that! It was hard to look at my drake this morning and too early for whisky 🙂
Ummm, where to start? I just watched the video and my husband just kept saying “What are you watching?” over and over again! And yes, I learned something new today thanks to you. I was thinking maybe ducks would be great to have, but now I’m thinking only female ducks would be great to have. That video. That video. I just. Wow, that video.
And your writing is amazing and wonderful and funny and I am so glad you are back!
Sheesh… and I thought it (the whiskey) was for the health benefits 🙂
OK, I didn’t see any ducks all week long, but I had a bad week in my own life. Too much work, and the work wasn’t work I like to do. So when I saw two new posts, one on herbal teas, which I really, really wanted to know more about, and one about whiskey, which I really know as much as I need to know about, I opened the one about whiskey. The bonus is I am glad I don’t have any ducks.
Ha~ while I haven’t raised ducks, I’ve fed some wildish flocks that lived near our pond years ago. And yes…they are quite rapey. But I never thought of them trying to mate with poor little hens! FUN SAUSAGE OF DOOM.
This post had me cracking up– and shocked that I didn’t know this already. (Guess I have been lucky with my drakes the past few years.)
Speaking of ducks, am hoping to do a duckpond this summer and your pond and your post of Duckland are my inspiration. I know you are probably swamped, but any thoughts of posting soon on your filtration system?
Oh, thanks for the reminder! Homebrew Husband is mostly the filter guy. I’ll ask him if he has time to write up a post about the technicals.
LOL – love your writing style. Brash, yet eloquent…Martha Stuart, yet George Carlin. You keep me on my toes 🙂
Cheers!
I’ve been making a KILLER Old Fashion lately. Recipe to follow.
give the whiskey to the drake.
A good whisky, a great duck. Sounds like a winner to me! Even drink a cup of java in the AM,