Many of you have reached out. Thank you for that, truly. That I didn’t respond, I ask you please not to take personality. I’ve been deep in my own head for far too much of the past year, and just needed a cocoon of quiet.
I will admit that this latest cocoon of quiet may have taken things to a bit of an extreme.
It turns out I wrote about this same, need-to-hide-away-from-it-all feeling years and years ago, in a post called The Personality of Perennials. I had completely forgotten about this post until a reader (former reader?) sent it to me with a lovely, thoughtful note.
What this reader did, without realizing it, was give me the gift of an out. She gave me the ability to say: “Here’s how I’ve been. Follow this link. It explains everything.”
This is a gift because now, somehow, I don’t feel like I have to break the silence with something momentous. I don’t have to spin the last year into a poem of lessons learned, adventures had, hardship overcome. Because honestly, there’s no great story to tell, no gossip to share.
I just needed to think through a lot of stuff, and those thoughts were too sticky and viscous to put into tidy sentences and paragraphs. And they were too far off-topic for this blog, even once my brain began, slowly, to organize them.
Of course, I never intended to go radio-silent for a year. It just sort of happened, one “not today” at a time, until the whole thing felt very awkward.
A couple weeks ago my friend Paul Wheaton called me and said, “Just make a post and say, blah, blah, blah. Just ‘blah,’ over and over again.” And I laughed and said, “Dude, I’m not going to do that.” Paul compromised: “Okay, then, take some time, figure your shit out, but then get back to doing what you do.”
I don’t think my shit is figured out quite yet. Figuring out your shit is a process, right? Not a singular event? I sure hope so. But it probably wasn’t a coincidence that the day after Paul’s phone call, I picked up my garden fork and began the long walk of gardener shame out to my hideously weed-filled beds.
· · ·
Here’s the past year, outside of my own head.
Until about two weeks ago, I ignored my yard. I didn’t garden at all. Didn’t grow a single tomato last summer. Gave the garden the stink eye when it insisted on cheerfully producing a ton of perennial food despite my neglect. I picked about a zillion pounds of plums and turned them into wine, but that was it. The apples and pears and raspberries fell to the ground and rotted in place. I far preferred curling up on the couch to claiming dominion over my patch of earth last year.
I started homeschooling the kids. Homeschooling is parenting on steroids. If you mostly enjoy parenting, I think you’d mostly love homeschooling. If you mostly get irritated with parenting, I think you’d mostly hate homeschooling. It’s absolutely the right choice for our family.
Many of my stickier thoughts revolved around society, global geopolitics and resource allocation issues. I responded to the emotional difficulty inherent in some of these thoughts by doing what any self-respecting suburbanite does: going to Costco. In this case, for a few extra bags of beans and rice. I don’t want to be an alarmist, but I don’t think the next few years are going to see a big increase in global stability. You might want a backup bag of rice in your pantry, too.
The whole family went to Kauai. (The featured image for this post is a shot overlooking part of the National Tropical Botanical Gardens. If you ever have the opportunity to go, please do! It’s truly amazing.) It was Oliver’s first time on a plane. We have plans to travel more. I like to pretend this is because travel can be an amazing component of homeschooling (and it can!), but really it’s just me deciding life is really short, and it’s time I use those airline miles I’ve been saving up for 15 years. Maybe more on family travel later.
I learned that I am way, way happier as a person keeping my social media presence to a bare minimum. I don’t know when shares, clicks, and follows became confused with human worth, and echo chambers became confused with conversations, but that’s just not a ride I want back on. Blogging has a lot of upsides – but the business of blogging makes me die a tiny bit on the inside. Let someone else deal with phrases like, “effective brand monetization via key social media influencers.” That’s just not my thing. I don’t want it.
This spring I obsessively looked for a 40 acre parcel of raw land within 2 hours of my home to start a dream rural permaculture homestead retreat. (This was at the same I felt completely overwhelmed by the actual work required to manage my puny 1/3rd of an acre in suburbia. Irony!) Wouldn’t it be so cool if this post was all about how I bought a piece of rural property and I’m building swales on contour and selecting trees to cut down for our homebuilt cabin? Alas, no. But I am feeling a lot more positive about the 1/3rd of an acre I do have.
I continued my role as periodic guest-answerer-person over on The Survival Podcast. You can listen to my answers on selected podcasts tagged “Expert Council.” If you don’t follow TSP, it’s a great podcast – and far broader in focus than just beans, bullets and bandaids. I especially value the practical, homestead-focused advice.
I’ve dealt with some health stuff this past year. Nothing big, nothing too scary, but enough that there have been little disruptions in my life. Here’s an example. I stabbed my pinkie breaking down some duct tape and PVC construction masterpiece my son created. The scissors slipped and I sliced through a nerve. Now my pinkie finger won’t bend all the way and I have pain up my forearm when I grip things in certain ways. Just little shit, you know? I feel older. But maybe I’m a little wiser, too? Wise enough to just throw the duct-tape masterpiece in the trash in it’s entirety next time.
We totally re-tooled the chicken coop! Oh my gosh, guys, this really excites me. Our coop is functioning so well these days. Unfortunately, the story starts off really gross – with rats. Rats (endemic in our neighborhood, apparently) found a rusted-out section of hardware cloth under the coop that allowed them access, and tunneled straight up to the promised land of chicken feed and eggs. Long story short, this resulted in: (1) Rat City under the coop, (2) me completely freaking out, and (3) a coop remodel. The coop now boasts a sweet, rat-proof, concrete floor, a gorgeous red metal roof, a fresh paint job and the best PVC-feeders this side of Pinterest. Oh, and we’ve learned that wood stove pellets make fantastic coop liter.
· · ·
Those are the highlights. Life is ok. I’m happy to be here. I’m happy to be back to a place where I can think less and dig more. The past year has been weird, and I don’t think it’s just me, and I’m not just talking about US politics. There’s just been a real “disturbance in the force” kinda vibe. Have you felt it too?
As for this blog, I don’t how often I’ll be back. I kinda miss doing Five Thing Fridays, to be honest. And I’d like to show you the neat stand-up PVC pipe feeder in the coop. Hell, maybe I’ll even find that plot of land one day.
But for now, I know I can’t promise McDonalds-like consistency. The requirements of business blogging just aren’t where I am right now. That way lies madness for me and broken promises to you.
But until next time, thank you. I’ll try not to be such a stranger.
Love you guys.
Erica
6
I hear you…I haven’t blogged in almost 3 years now, just don’t feel it right now.
I’ve been too busy with life things, having kids move out on their own, old dog needing my loving care till he went to spread his wings.
And getting ready for our big move last fall to Portland, with about half my garden plants…lol…we managed to fill a large U-haul with potted plants. It took me about 3 years to get cuttings and divisions from my favorite plants but now I have a ready to go garden…once we find a house. From time to time I keep thinking re-hauling the blog, starting up again but then I never do..just not in the right mind set at this time, I am still regrouping and just can’t find any words to write. It’s ok, That’s life. Life takes us into new directions.
But it’s nice hearing about your new adventures, I was wondering to what happened, nice to hear it’s all positive news
I am so glad you are alive and okay! I think the radio silence after the McDonald’s like consistency was what threw me off. Didn’t know where to look for you. I miss your blog and will continue to miss it. But I sincerely hope you aren’t reading this. Good on you for figuring out what is right for you and trying to do it.
I enjoy what you have to say whether it be weekly, or on sporadic occasions. I’m glad you’re finding your way through the fog…and that you feel you’re getting “it” together.., but does “it” ever actually get together, for anyone? Or is it just like cleaning house? The garbage gets taken out, but more will be made. The part to enjoy is the mess making. The memories made. Try to let go of the garbage that cuts you, both figuratively and literally. As far as taking a year off, consider it your year of jubilee. Every 12 th year (biblically speaking) you’re supposed to let your fields go unsown. Reap what your blessed with, or let it compost and feed the soil. I suggest this in gardening plants and life.
Erika, I’m glad you’re back and I’m even more glad you took the time you needed to be away and doing your thing.
There’s definitely a disturbance of some sort going on. My own blog definitely has gaping holes this past year too. I can’t quite manage to to get a grip on going forward blogging either.
Do your thing, and thanks for sharing any amount of you with us.
Welcome back! I did the gardener’s walk of shame this weekend too. It’s oddly encouraging to hear you went an entire year without gardening. Life happens! My husband and I dream of turning our family’s acreage on the Rogue River into a permaculture paradise. And then I look at my little city lot and get overwhelmed by it. How am I supposed to run a farm when I find my rose bushes overwhelming?! Anyway, I feel your pain. Blog when you feel like it. We’ll be here to eat it up!
I am so immensely thankful for you, Erica. I’m thankful that you’re well, and that your family is well. I’ve missed you and your humor and your cocktails and swear words and honesty and information. I’ve loved it all. I was particularly thinking of you this week. Just wondering about you. And here you are. Like a little prize right at the beginning of the week. Hope to see you soon again, and on whatever terms work for you.
YESSSS! glad to hear you are alive and at least 9 of your fingers are well! Don’t blame you one bit for taking a break, but thanks for writing us a note. we miss you out in garden blog browsing land and we’ll take what we can get. McDonalds consistency? whats exciting about that?? Pumped at the prospect of any new blog posts from you even if they are fewer and farther in between. Obviously family is most important but thanks for taking the time to post up and make many of us smile again.
I am so happy to see this update. Try not to let the douche waffles get you down. Do what you can to fulfill your little corner of the world. Take care of yourself <3
Totally totally hear you Erica, and while you’ve been missed – it’s not just you sensing a shift in the certainty of our lives. Apparently the stars aligned for a pretty crappy year of outcomes south of the equator too- mars in retrograde and all that hippy frog shite……
Do what you do, and when you want to share i for one will be delighted to listen and share back. ?
Erica,
I’m thrilled to hear that you and your family are well. Kudos to you for slowing down, taking it all in and trying to find harmony and balance. Life is to damn short. To hell with “getting your shit together” I truly believe that it’s a life long process. As long as you and your loved ones are happy and healthy that is all that matters!
That land your looking for? Have you checked out Thurston County? We bought an acre, built a house and moved down here 11 years ago from King County and absolutely love it! There is room to breathe, we have great locally owned stores, a vibrant farming community/network, several wonderful Farmer’s Markets, an amazing Children’s Museum and so much more.
Nice to hear your voice again!
To every thing there is a season…steady, frequent, irregular, occasional…no matter, your blogging inspires!
All the best
❤
<3 <3
Hey, Erica! Thank you for checking in. Now I can rest easy knowing you were deep in contemplation and not dead in a ditch, like my mother always used to say when I would come home late.
Welcome back! This pst year has been crazy for me too and to read your blog today I kept nodding and saying “yeah”….I am really excited to hear about the chicken coupe. Our city has some serious rat problems and I plan to build a nice coupe this summer. Hit me with the detail!
Just happy to know that you and yours are well. Take care of yourselves and I’ll look forward to any nuggets you happen to want to share.
Aw, glad to hear from you here! It really has been a year, hasn’t it? My Bham friends who follow the blog even hit me up a while back to ask if something had happened to you. I said yeah, you started homeschooling. =) Going down that path ourselves next year, so expect me to want to pick your brain. And maybe some joint field trips or something? Also, we’ll be down your way for a few weeks next summer. Let’s talk!
Hi Erica,
OMG…
Thank you for that. I can so relate to what you are going through and am feeling the same way, have had health issues etc. I have been posting, but feeling disconnected
with other high issue priorities. I always tell myself…this is a hobby, when it starts to feel like work I’m backing off.
I think that is why I have yet started a blog for my page and just keep it a page.
So glad to hear you are ok. Homeschooling takes complete dedication. I have had years , like last year, when I got back from a trip and just couldn’t wrap my head around Gardening….it happens. Take it as a sign.
I’m an taking a break from our farm…long story and need to redesign our chicken coop due to Maerck’s.
I’m minimizing this year and regrouping. Just Gardening.
Looking forward to hearing about your coop remodel…mine will include a cement floor too!
I’ve been storing food too….yes, we seem to be in the same
mode.
Be well. Come back when you are ready!
Lorri
Good to hear from you! Brilliant timing to be away from social media. Could use some comic relief with a chicken Webcam. No writing necessary.
We are just so happy you are OK. While we have never met in person we love you too. Thank you for being you and for sharing with us. If ya need anything an old retired Park manager and sweet spouse can provide let us know.
Thanks for the update Erica! I tried to find you about a 3 weeks ago and when I typed in “what happened to Erica Strauss” the first thing that popped up was the Seattle Obituaries. I was really happy NOT to see your name actually listed there! Homeschooling is awesome (most of the time) and your kids are only little once so, as much as I miss you, I’m glad you are choosing what is right for you and your family!
I’m embarrassed to say I didn’t notice you were gone. The migration of my favorite blog reader came first, and I hadn’t found a satisfactory replacement yet when I suddenly fell off the grid myself. At almost exactly the same time you did. New responsibilities combined with minor health problems…check…check. Now more health problems are stacking up and I don’t know how long it will take me to find my new normal. Long term goals have given way to daily goals. I have hardly worked for income for over a year.
I guess what I have to say is this: even if you don’t relate to your readers, we take great pleasure in relating to you. It means a lot that someone else is out there who feels the way we do, and understands the cost. If you never go back to blogging, I don’t blame you at all! But please leave the blog up; there are years of information in there still for me to learn.
Good luck in everything! As a homeschooled kid myself, I can tell you is one of the best decisions my parents ever made. I know it was so very difficult for them, but so very worth it to us. I’m 40 this year, and is still helping me in my life.
Missed you, Erika! Glad you took some time for yourself.
Thank you. All my very best to you.
I’m so glad to see you’re doing well, and to see you post again. I had wondered if homeschooling was taking a lot of your energy–I know it would take a lot of mine! I will savor every post you make, and there’s no pressure to make more.
I too have had times of digging myself a rabbit hole. I really didn’t like what was happening to a city I loved, Los Angeles when I was pregnant with my first child in 1992. And then the news filled with images and stories of a genocide in Bosnia. So I turned off the TV. For twenty four years. That’s a lot of tv. Sometimes I would hear things….OJ Trial…I clapped,my hands over my ears. Katrina? I thought it was some famous girl. Really avoided those discussions and now I feel guilty. THe one morning I paused to ask why my husband was watching TV with our baby on his lap at 6:30 mountain time on September 11, 2001 I watched for a couple of minutes and held my chin in my lap. That turned into a who day.
Anyway, we don’t have to keep doing things just because we did, or others do, or even because people think we should.
Be well, swing your arms when you walk, invent and name new musical instruments. Invent a new family holiday like Gross Day or Alter Ego day wherein you all change your names and history. That is life. You owe us nothing. You owe yourself EVERYTHING.
Hug yourself and then sit down with a cup of tea.
Good to hear from you again. It seems that a lot of bloggers have gone through the same issues and backed away from the blog world. I know that for myself I no long blog as intensely as I used to. It’s all about living your life the way you want to. Either way I hope to see you more often and look forward to your garden wisdom. As for me I’m off to work on more HALF-ASS HUGELKULTUR garden beds that will be a whole lot taller than any I’ve made before hoping to void bending over as much as possible as I get older and older.
So happy to hear from you and to know you’re well and thinking about digging. Welcome back!
I too am glad to see you here again and know that nothing awful happened.
I’m coming out of perhaps the hardest 2years of my life, mostly due to a baby who would.not.sleep. YOU know… Your blog archives helped.
So, you certainly don’t owe us anything, but I love what you do and am happy to “hear” from you anytime.
Stay strong and just do your thing. All the best!
Good to hear from you, and that all is, in a general sense, well. Will be happy to read what you write, whenever you write it! 🙂
Very happy to hear things are going better. I think we all have felt the disturbance in the force one way or another over the last year. Just glad to see you pop in.
Erica,
So great that you posted. Thank you for just being you. I have missed you and your posts. We all have missed you and your posts. I so enjoyed your Friday posts so if you feel like it, just throw us one of those once in a while. Thanks, Erica.
By the way, I feel the same way that you do about social media and human worth.
Best always,
Sue
So nice to see a post from you in my blog reader! (Feedly) Wish I had a cup of tea to sip while reading your catch up post, but a glass of wine will do.
Glad you’re ok. Last year was weird for many. I’m hanging in there. I blog without monetizing; I’m just not ready to be that businesslike about it. It’s my journal!
Homeschooling: I loved being an at-home mom, but public school was great for my kids. Structure, just down the street. Which left me to be the home extra-curriculars mom (mostly piano, with some basketball sprinkled in). That was manageable for me. Whatever works for each of us parents, works.
Hope to see another post from you, because I want to see your chicken coop!
So glad you are ok! But blogging is a dead medium anyway. The internet is full. You are right, there is a disturbance in the force. Our time is better spent on the stuff that really matters, and if you get to share a sweet-ass DIY chicken coop feeder or a cocktail recipe when you get a chance, that’s awesome.
I can’t tell you how happy seeing this post made me. I’m glad you’ve been taking the time you need to, for lack of a better phrase, do you. Shit is hard and sometimes you have to step back and sort out the mess of head strings. I am just newly being confronted with rat bastards in my chicken run and they’re tunneling under my main garden patch, so I am mid-freak out about that. Putting in a concrete floor would require me actually deciding on a permanent chicken location which I’m not sure I can deal with yet. If you need help with any of the social media bs or anything else, please shout out. I am in marketing as a (stumbled into) profession and if I could ease some of onus of blog production I would be more than happy to. You’ve given so much knowledge, confidence, entertainment, and feeling of community to me and so may of us that I would more than happy to have a chance to give back. See you when we see you around here and thanks again.
YAY!! The “other” Wheaton’s Law worked! The disturbance in the force comment reminds me to remember Stephen Covey’s advice on circles of influence and those of concern (7 Habits book). We loyal readers prove how positive your influence really acts. In the coming weeks, lots more will be welcoming your return to this blog. We all feel cheered read your words again.
I must confess, I feel a little bit like that episode of “Seinfeld” where Elaine won’t let the others meet her new boyfriend because, “It’s like he’s this adorable squirrel that I’m trying to get to come eat out of my hand and I don’t need you people making any big sudden movements and scaring him AWAY!!”).
Welcome Back! I’m sure many others are as relieved as I am for the update. I kind of figured that it was something like what you’ve described. I’ve had the same experience as a Guest Writer on thesurvivalmom.com. ( http://thesurvivalmom.com/create-altoids-tin-seed-vaults/. Or maybe : http://thesurvivalmom.com/15-commandments-food-storage/
I got so spun up in my own head that I stopped writing for a year and not sure how to come back; or if I’d even be wanted. I actually did finish 2 articles and partials of about 6 more and I had an idea about how to restart…
I was actually about to try again to contact you for permission to find a way to carry on the fantastic tradition of Eat From The Larder Challenge. Perhaps in the interests of getting back on the blogging horse (and feeling out how much works for you), you could *embrace* the past year’s non-gardenin/non- canning and this year’s Challenge could be a modified one?
Something like:
~ “Eat From The Larder (For Just 1 Crummy Week) Challenge” or…
~”From Scratch Only Challenge” or maybe…
~”RESTORE the Larder Challenge”; which could focus on planning upcoming garden/preserving with an eye toward the referenced “Restoring” both literally for you (and others) and figuratively in American life.
The beauty of the modified Challenge is that it could be as few or as many posts as you want because you could pull a Coffee Talk (from SNL, remember?) : ” The Larder: it’s not full of lard. Unless it’s full of donuts. Discuss amongst yourselves…”
I’m so happy to hear that things are well but you needed a break. I thought that was the case but good to have confirmation. As a long-time reader but infrequent commentator/commenter, I want to let you know how much I have enjoyed your blog over the years. Even in the “radio silence” I would peruse the gardening articles for tips. I enjoy instagram for the pictures and a few blogs regarding saving money, homesteading, prepping and gardening but ignore the rest (and rarely feel like I’m missing out on too much). I do hope that you will post again but understand if life/other desires get in the way.
Well hello there,
I actually just found you via your book. Clicking back to the link~ so well said. I too am more of a hosta. Seasonal hibernation can be a good thing. Wishing you every nourishment and blessing.
So glad to hear your voice again. Thanks for all you do.
Rotting fruit is good for the soil! We have rats too. They are everywhere all the time in cities. I feed our chickens a measured amount in the morning because if there is feed left over we get night visitors.
So excited to hear anything you care to share about the homeschool aspect of your lives.
Wishing you the best of health.
thanks for checking back in – was wondering/thinking about you & your family. totally understand your POV…
just for grins — in the past year, I’ve bought an all-american pressure canner, and in addition to canning other things last fall, I’m getting ready to start canning dry beans, thanks to someone who recommended those things. your book was bought for gifts – it’s very good btw — and I quote you off & on for things like – if you keep chickens, you need to know how to cull.
glad to know everything is well — take care. (and we moved to Lewis County — land is fairly inexpensive here – FWIW) — Froghaven Farms — breeder of heritage Buckeye and Delaware chickens…
Add me to the chorus of those who are happy to hear from you! Your post is a welcome treat this morning,with a sick baby and some insane weather here in MI yesterday.
Glad to have you back!
Thank you for posting! I actually was kinda worried about you and your fam.
But, yeah, last year WAS weird (maybe still is?). And not just politically. At least, my world feels a little murkier, a little scarier—as always, getting my hands dirty is a great remedy for me. As is reading your blog. So, again, thank you!
Helloooooo Erica!!! Woohoo, imagine me doing the happy dance right now (instead of my actual coffee and jammies morning actuality) while reading your thoughtful post. The year you described was just about as I’d hoped for you minus the nerve injury and rats. Homeschooling sounds intense to me and much more important than the business of blogging. You are giving your children such a precious gift. And yes, the ‘disturbance in the force’ vibe seems very real still for me. I can’t watch news or participate in social media groups I used to that now rant about politics instead. Our mental health is more important, right? I’m glad you know you don’t owe anyone out here in cyberspace a thing and yet you are so gracious to come say ‘hey’. You’ve been truly missed.
Thank you for keeping the blog online for us to make use of the fantastic resources you’ve provided. Today I’m back to pick up another copy of your canning planner and to re-visit your ‘what to do in the garden this month’. Getting to see a new post from you was such fun and any time the spirit moves you to post again will be met with equal joy. Today I was also excited to traipse out to the back yard and see that yesterday’s rain brought the snow pack on my garden down to about 10″. At this rate the garden might actually be ready for our May 15 last frost date planting. hahaha
If it ever arrives, ENJOY springtime! Be happy and well!
Molly
Your recent post is a lovely surprise. I hear you about stocking up the pantry, it is getting weird out there.
“Disturbance in the force.” So apt, and no, it’s not just politics. Personally, I will happily read whatever you choose to post, even if it’s few and far between. I’ve had to pull back from social media as well, to keep from losing my mind. But I refer to your monthly checklist posts just about weekly, and am insanely grateful for the content you’ve already created. Anything new is gravy. Thank you!
Glad to hear from you.
As a very strong introvert I understand the struggle and am dealing with my own ‘break’ after I finally got the help (and medication) needed to deal with my terrible anxiety.
Once the medication really started helping (about 3 months) I found that instead of wanting to go out and socialize more I actually wanted to stay in more. It gave me the gift of accepting who I am and making required and optional socializing much more enjoyable.
It has been about 2 years of really reeling socializing back to an amount I am happy with. My good friend even understood when I skipped the bachelorette party but participated in the rest of her wedding. I constantly question if I am being selfish, especially with my grandparents who love to see me and don’t seem to understand. I don’t have an answer for that yet, maybe I will regret it someday, but today I needed a night at home growing my roots further into my home and myself.
Denying who I was lead to so much pain that I found myself in bed for 3 days straight moving between convulsive crying and a very desperate space where I considered a permanent way out. This was a big deal considering I am an incredibly strong, productive, and stubborn person.
I hope you find your peace and happiness, if this blog is a part of that I will keep reading and supporting you!
Erica, I’ve missed you. You were a ray of sunshine and laughter in my life as in many others. But the reality is that the most important thing in your life, in any life, is YOU. And by extension, the lives of those you love and cherish. Seems like your year of reflection and looking inward has paid off and your path in life is now more fulfilling, more loving, more peaceful, more everything that’s truly important. I wish for you and your family a safe, happy, healthy, peaceful and loving life.